Wholly Yours

Back Again

2012-03-02T22:50:00.003-05:00

Spring Break officially starts tomorrow but I left college today cause my class ended at 11. Beth (the director of the Place of Promise) came to pick me up at 1..

I'm here now, extremely excited to be here... Just a few hours in and I am loving it already.... It was so great to see everyone here again and I'm just anticipating what God wishes to do through me here... And also in the lives of these people. Lots of things happened (some rather drastic) since I left two months ago but its all good now... At least He knows whats really going on...

Just being here, watching God work in people's lives is a blessing. It's painful sometimes to listen to these people when they talk about their pain and helplessness.. At that moment you just wish you could help but there is really nothing you can do.. And I start to think, Lord, why? Why do these people have to have it so hard? But God is still God, He knows...

I heard a resident pray out loud during group today and I started tearing up. She was new when I came in the last time and she was not really interested in this whole God thing... But now she's stepped up to pray... What could be more beautiful?

The atmosphere is still rather unsettled sometimes, and only God's love can truly change this place. But I cannot deny the reality of His presence when I look at these people and see work in progress.... I look at myself and I see the same thing, we are all broken people who are in need for God whether we have had a history with drugs or alcohol or whatever it may be... We are all in need of His grace and mercy, we cannot go about on our own. I don't ever want to...

Grateful, just grateful. And I love Him more.

Here and There

2012-02-24T23:36:00.003-05:00

Really looking forward to going home this summer. I like it here, I really do. But it feels like I've been away from home for too long... It's a weird feeling though.

Honestly, there are so many things to say, so many things that can be said...

On another note, Spring Break's in two weeks, really excited. Will be going back to the Place of Promise, miss all the people there!! And I'm excited about what God is going to do this time around :).

School work's been a lot as always... Won't complain though, cause compared to many of my friends, I have it much easier in terms of work load, definitely not easy classes!

Gospel choir concert at SNHU down at Manchester this Sunday, really pumped...

Been a crazy emotional week for me. Not in a bad sense, it was just weird having all of those emotions again after so long. Really feels different this time though. God has certainly done amazing things in my heart after all these years, reminding me time and again of His faithfulness and sufficiency. He's more than enough for me, definitely...

Till then.

Navs Winter Conference

2012-02-17T21:20:00.003-05:00

Last Friday, 9 of us went down to Connecticut for the Navigators Winter Conference, Northeast Region. It was a good time to get away from college and all the work.

I will not delve into the details as I used to in the past... But it was a good 3 days of listening to the Word (the theme was The Light, The Life), attending worskshops, worshipping together, meeting people from other schools and just relaxing. There were approximately 180 people from 15 different schools, we were one the smallest groups.

As usual, I didn't want it to end, wished I could stay on... The conference was at Camp Jewell, YMCA. It was located in the woods so it was really remote... The campsite was nice though, felt really close to nature... Had meaningful conversations, learnt more about Him... Overall, I'm just really grateful for the experience that I had and I will definitely go back next year...

That's it for now.... Till then!

Broken Resistance

2012-02-16T22:52:00.003-05:00

I've been wrong before, I could be wrong again...

Yet this time it feels different.

That it wasn't me, it was You, who changed me, made me see...

My resistance, You tore it apart... Let me realize my pride and selfishness and importance I've put on things that don't really matter.

You brought me back to the heart of the matter, the things I've always claimed was important but never really followed through. Because I never saw it before.

But now I do, and I will not let it go.

Only You could have placed these desires, only You could have brought this about, no accident, no mistake....

A time of trust and waiting. I trust You, I trust You.

2012-02-15T23:42:00.001-05:00

79 days till I fly home.

Extended weekend, no classes on Monday (Winter Recess).

Was at the Navs Winter Conference over the weekend, will blog about it soon.

I'll get the time this weekend, I will.

Reflections on 1 Corinthians 7

2012-01-31T15:57:00.005-05:00

A few days ago, when I was reading the Word, this verse seemed to resonate within me:

1 Corinthians 7:17 - Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him.

The context of this particular chapter is that of marriage. Paul wrote advice for both the married and unmarried. The verse above is the beginning of another subchapter which goes beyond the married/unmarried but that of circumcision and bondservants. The following subchapter carries advice for the unmarried and widowed.

Thus when Paul talks about the 'assigned' life, we can assume that he was referring to marriage and singleness but it also relates to all other paths of life.

The ESV Student Study Bible's notes on this particular verse are as follows:

"God calls people to himself who are in various situations regarding economics (slavery vs. freedom), family (divorce vs. marriage) and religious background (circumcision vs. uncircumcision) and often God has a purpose for the new believer in that very situation. It is the place to which God has called him."

1 Thessalonians 5:18 - Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

We tend to despise our situation and station in life, especially when things get hard and we are in pain. We yearn for another life, so to speak and wish that God would lead us somewhere else. But this verse shows that God calls us, God assigns something, some stage to us. We should therefore, not respond in complain or bitterness but in joy and gratefulness. What kind of assigned life do we mean? It can be anything, really. I am a student now, this is my assignment, should I not work to the best of my ability, not wishing to quickly get out of this stage but to embrace all that comes along my way even when it gets tough?

There might be harder assignments to endure, one that is specific to us and sometimes we will never understand why God allows us to stay there. But the knowledge that He knows what He's doing should spur us on.

In every season, there is a purpose. Be it singlehood or marriage, be it poverty or riches. Be it joy or suffering. Be it sickness or health, nothing is in vain.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 - He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Let us then, thank God for our assigned life. For the stage, place He has called us to. Knowing that He is faithful and will ever be.

2 Timothy 2:13 - For if we are faithless, he remains faithful— for he cannot deny himself.

And in Paul's famous words, I shall end this...

'Thanks be to God...'

2012-01-30T15:44:00.002-05:00

Two more days and it'll be February. Wow.

The spring semester started two weeks ago, work is starting to pile up. But I won't complain, I do like my classes. And being with my friends here again is certainly great. I had an amazing winter break which was more than I could ask for.

I posted my daily experiences at Place of Promise and took them all down just to be safe. Don't want to go against the confidetiality of the residents, not that I was told not to but yea. Anyway, if you want to read about what I really experienced, go here. I was told to do a write up on the place before I left and I did, and it was included in the newsletter to my surprise. Hope you are blessed, somehow..

I bought my flight ticket, will be back in May for 3 months. :)

Happy CNY, a tad late but oh well...

God bless, till then!

Thoughts With No End

2012-01-09T22:27:00.003-05:00

Once again, I'm contemplating if I should stop blogging altogether. I would admit that one reason would be that there are only a few who actually [still] follow this blog. The blogging era seems to have ended for many and I occasionally wonder if my time has come. Does the world really need to know what I do, think and feel?

The answer is obvious. Yet there's something, I don't quite know what that draws me back to this place. Yes, perhaps I don't update as often as I used to and I might not ever get back to that stage again. But this place is too close to my heart to simply abandon... Even if it gets to the point where no one reads this, I cannot do it.

I might be just another ordinary person. But I serve an extraordinary God. Therefore, I live to sing His praises, to honor and glorify Him.

This blog has chronicled my journey through all the pain, the joy and the confusion. God has remained to be my refuge and strength. He has been and ever will be faithful to me. Despite my fears and failures, He always picks me up and draws me ever close to Him.

So I shall continue, to let the world know, what He's done for me.

When you have found happiness, you cannot do anything but share it. When you have found love, everything changes. Nothing else matters.

I am in love with the Lover of all. He fills the emptiness in me no one can. Despite my constant longings for companionship, He reminds me that this void, only He can fill. This Love, only He can give... And it is more than enough.

2012

2012-01-06T09:27:00.001-05:00

A new year. My resolutions? If I want to come up with a list I surely can. One for example, would be to be less idle, particularly cutting down on my time online. However I have come to realize again that only one thing really matters be it yesterday, today, or tomorrow and forever - my Lord. Therefore all I want, not just this year but every year, every day is Him. To be more like Him

, to know Him, to love Him and to serve Him. That was what I was made to do, what we were made to do. It is strange when we think otherwise. Let us pray that this year would be one of growth and maturity in the Lord. To those who are yet to know Him, I pray you will. For life is so much more meaningful when you realize that the One who gave up His life for you is and was always there, waiting for you to return. This post has turned out quite differently than I imagined it to. I only speak the truth.Let this be Your year o Lord. You're all I need and more.

2011

2012-01-01T12:21:00.001-05:00

2011

If there was one word to define the year, it would be transition.

I turned 20, it was a transition from adolescence to adulthood.

There were 3 main chapters to this year which happened to be 3-4 months each.

1. The Final Semester at MCKL (January-May)

It honestly didn’t really feel like the last due to the fact that I only had to be in college 10 hours a week and that there were only 15 of us left in our batch. Although I occasionally felt like there was no point in going to college, I still wanted to finish well. When I got my acceptance and offer letter from Colby-Sawyer, I started being complacent. I guess it didn’t matter if I did that well or not since I had the two A’s to back me up. Ended up doing really well, all glory to God. I’m still amazed by His grace up to this day, I could not have done it without Him. I do not think I deserve it, but that’s what grace is.

But results weren’t the main point. It was the closing of a chapter that had become part of my life, no, it was my life. I had made strong friendships, served in the CF which I believed contributed to my growth, had heartbreaks and joyous times. Still, it was time to leave and surprisingly, I was more than ready when I had to. I’m guessing it’s because during the last semester, I felt like I had my time and I was ready to move on.

2. The Summer Break at Home (May-August)

I know we don’t have a ‘summer’ break back home since we pretty much have summer all year round. That’s what I tell everyone here when they ask me about the weather. But that’s what I’d be referring to from now on. These were the last few months at home. I honestly didn’t do much, sleeping really late and waking up in time for lunch. I was ‘preparing’ for my leaving to the States and although I knew it, the reality only hit me hard a few days before I left.

It was hard, knowing that things would never be the same again. I’d be back during the summer breaks but I would never have those years again.

Leaving my family, friends behind, I felt like Abraham, being called into a foreign land.

And all I could do was to place it all in His hands, “I trust You Lord, I trust You.”

3. The First Semester in the States (September- December)

I landed in a new land which seems like a spiritual desert. Originally uncertain of my coming here and if this is really where I’m supposed to be, He reminded me that this is exactly where He wants me. By His superseding strength, I was able to stay strong in Him and the transition was smoother than I expected. I did not experience a culture shock nor got terribly homesick. I was seeing His promise “I will never leave you nor forsake you” and “I will not leave you comfortless” come true. I am grateful indeed.

He’s provided me great friends, amazing mentors and I’ve found my place serving in CF. Slowly but surely, He is revealing Himself as well as His plans not just while I’m here but for the future as well.

2011, a year of endings and beginnings. A year of joy and pain. A year of faith, hope and love. A year of experiencing God's faithfulness, of seeing the Word come to Life.

Thank You

winter break

2011-12-22T15:54:00.005-05:00

So the first semester has ended. I had a few doubts before I came particularly in relation to studies:

1. MATH. The thought of taking a Math class (only need one) was not something I looked forward to. I was never really bad at Math, but I just don't like it.

2. Maintaining a GPA of 3.3 to keep the scholarship which isn't really that high but considering the fact that the academic system here is wholly new and based on consistency, I had no idea what to expect.

Needless to say, my Math class was actually enjoyable and I aced it. My professor made it as practical as possible so all the stuff we learnt (more like revised) were useful and applicable. And as for my GPA, my mid term grades were pretty good and my final ones were even better. They were right when they said I needn't worry. Thank God. Couldn't have pulled through those late nights working on papers if it were not for Him.

Having said that, the semester was great and as much as I'd like to do a reflection on it, I'd save it for next year when my freshman year ends. It'll make more sense then.

I've been at Kathryn's place in Haverhill for a week now. Will be heading to Place of Promise tomorrow. I'm really excited about what awaits me yet a part of me's afraid of this new experience. I really wanted to do something during the winter break and I thought volunteering would be the way to go. It's a time for me to give back and not just relax. After searching for organizations to work with and contacting them, I believe God opened this door for me. It would not have been my first choice considering that the nature of the work is more challenging than if I had worked at places like YWAM or YMCA. And I know His plans are always infinitely better than I what I would want for myself. A living proof is the fact that I am here at CSC and not anywhere else in the States. I had no idea.

Anyway, a highlight of the first week of break so far is going to Boston to meet with the other friends from college. In short, we went to Chinatown, had Dim Sum which was pretty good and surprisingly reasonable. I spoke in Cantonese to the workers there and they actually understood me. Hah. We walked around Boston for a couple of hours. The pictures are all on Facebook but here's a group one:

A picture by the tree at Faneuil Hall at 2.30 p.m

Another one at 5.

Winter started yesterday but it sure doesn't feel like it. It hasn't been snowing and some people are saying this is the warmest winter thus far. Its supposed to be snowing for at least two weeks now. Apparently its coming though. We get snow in October and November but not December, its weird.

That's it for now. Christmas is coming, will post something soon. God bless you all!

close to the end

2011-12-08T22:26:00.003-05:00

In short, the semester's over. Well not really, but my classes are.

2 final papers due and 1 exam next week and college will be done for this semester.

Been sleep deprived for the past few days especially on Monday and Tuesday. The result = slept through my alarm to miss my class which I was supposed to present with a friend. Yes it was horrible. Yes I was mad at myself. Yes I was disappointed at my irresponsibility. I usually set two alarms and I thought that I'd still get up even after snoozing the first one. Turns out the other wasn't really turned on.... My friends were telling me I was being too hard on myself, it happens to everyone. Err, maybe not when they're supposed to present? And it was my first time too. Needless to say, I emailed my professor and explained what happened. And because I've been fairly consistent in class, she decided to give me extra work for the second part of this course (in Spring 2013) instead of affecting my grade now. Thank God really.

I got over it after awhile. Learnt a good lesson and I'm not gonna let it happen again. At least this craziness is over.

To go back on all that's happened will be too long so I will not do that.

My winter break plans are kinda set now. Will be going to Kathryn's place in Mass for a week, then spend 2 weeks volunteering at Place of Promise in Mass as well; it's a Christian home for people who want to start a new life so there are all kinds of people there; homeless, sick, ex-drug addicts etc. It will be interesting, will be spending Christmas there too... And after that, I'll be headed to Brooklyn, NY for a week.

Till then!

God bless.

You're my strength, all I need

2011-12-03T20:40:00.002-05:00

Thanksgiving was great, had a good break in Maine.

Maybe I have lost my penchant for blogging, still, I'm not going to stop completely.

A crazy week coming up with 4 presentations and 2 papers due. Final exam and papers in 2 weeks. With the amount of workload I have, you'd think I'd be crazy or stressed out. But once again, He strengthens me and gives me the grace to go through it all. Always amazed.

I'm going to be busy though, will be back when I find the time.

Winter break plans are kinda sorted out now, thank God.

Was presented with kinda sad news and it makes me wonder about a lot of things. Whatever it is, everything is in His hands and I can only pray.

Life is short, never forget that.

Let me not drift away from You but grow closer and closer till we meet...

2011-11-23T20:37:00.003-05:00

It's always hard to think of what to say when I've been away for some time. Like where do I begin? What do I say?

I guess I'd just give a recap of the past two weeks

20th Birthday on the 1st: What I thought was going to be a quiet birthday turned out to be quite different. It fell on a Tuesday and the night before, at Christian Fellowship, they had a cake for me so we had some sort of celebration then. Thanks to Cindy and Benny for being so thoughtful. Got an email that night from my friendship family, Ed and Sue who invited me for a birthday dinner and said I could bring friends with me.

On that day itself, Ashli, Kathryn, Connor (glad they were able to come along) and I went to Ed and Sue's house in the afternoon and had a good home-cooked meal. I really appreciate the effort Ed and Sue put in, they had birthday banners put up and a cake for me as well. Along with a gift card as well as a balloon thing (really don't know what to call it).

A picture we took a long time ago, one of the nicer ones - the rest were just us with weird and random facial expressions

We came back to campus at 7plus and watched Glee at 8. Toward the end of the show, the friends brought a huge cake out (yet another one). It was a pleasant surprise indeed. I felt compelled to shout 'Best Birthday Ever'. I wasn't really joking I guess.

Overall, it was a great one. Not because of the cakes or anything like that. I guess I was just surprised that there was actually a celebration. Being far away from home isn't too bad after all. I have great friends here and I am extremely grateful for that.

20 years of faithfulness, that's what I thought about. That's what occupied me, thinking of the times He's walked with me and brought me through all the times I was on the verge of giving up. And to think that He's never left me through it all, through all my failings. His grace is just too much for me to comprehend.

Another key event that took place was the Christian Fellowship Retreat that took place on the 3-4 November. It was at this old firehouse that was converted to a very cosy place by this lady, only 7 minutes drive away from campus. It was a pretty free and easy retreat. The speakers were this couple who have their own ministry dealing with conflicts, forgiveness and reconciliation. They've been doing it for years and they were really amazing. The sessions were really practical and useful. The part I did enjoy most, aside from the sessions were the inpromptu worship session we had on the 2nd day though most people were gone by then. I can really go on about it but I don't think that's necessary.

I have two jobs right now, I was kinda worried that I wouldn't be able to get one before I came here and look where I am right now. Thank God for His providence and care.

It's Thanksgiving tomorrow and I'm at Rachel, my roommate's house right now along with XuRong (my other roommate from China). We came down yesterday after our classes and it's been really chill over here. Except for the fact that there're 2 books I have to read, 3 presentations to prepare and 1 paper to write, everything's cool. But still, I won't complain. At least I have the break. And for some reason, I have never been overwhelmed by the tremendous work load (its really crazy sometimes) and I can only attribute it to Him. He sustains me. There really is absolutely nothing to worry about.

Thanksgiving post coming up. The first :)

2011-11-13T13:25:00.001-05:00

Let me be satisfied - in You.

There is nothing else I need.

Sometimes the truth is only in the head

And it takes time before it is truly held.

I trust in You Lord.

The Definition Of Love

2011-11-09T00:17:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite poems to date - we covered it in Lit class last year and it always lingered on ever since:

THE DEFINITION OF LOVE.
by Andrew Marvell

MY Love is of a birth as rare
As 'tis, for object, strange and high ;
It was begotten by Despair,
Upon Impossibility.

Magnanimous Despair alone
Could show me so divine a thing,
Where feeble hope could ne'er have flown,
But vainly flapped its tinsel wing.

And yet I quickly might arrive
Where my extended soul is fixed ;
But Fate does iron wedges drive,
And always crowds itself betwixt.

For Fate with jealous eye does see
Two perfect loves, nor lets them close ;
Their union would her ruin be,
And her tyrannic power depose.

And therefore her decrees of steel
Us as the distant poles have placed,
(Though Love's whole world on us doth wheel),
Not by themselves to be embraced,

Unless the giddy heaven fall,
And earth some new convulsion tear.
And, us to join, the world should all
Be cramp'd into a planisphere.

As lines, so love's oblique, may well
Themselves in every angle greet :
But ours, so truly parallel,
Though infinite, can never meet.

Therefore the love which us doth bind,
But Fate so enviously debars,
Is the conjunction of the mind,
And opposition of the stars.

The Beginning of Winter, No ?

2011-10-28T00:16:00.005-04:00

First snow of the year - really pretty! But not so when it gets in your face. The snow was kinda fluffy and still clean, probably won't be as nice when it gets really thick. I'm glad the weather's gonna be back to normal tomorrow. It's only been a month of fall - this is too quick!

Going to Lowell, MA tomorrow with the gospel choir for a worship conference at Whole Armour International (a church); will be singing with other choirs as well. Only for a night but it's gonna be great! And it's all paid for as well, except for some meals. Couldn't ask for more.

Here's a picture from our Back 2 School Concert last week; it was immense!

Really grateful for everything. Thank You Lord.

Be back soon.

Changed Perspectives

2011-10-22T00:13:00.003-04:00

Before I came here, I prepared myself for the worst. I thought that the lifestyle here would be roughly similar, or at least not too different from what is shown in the media. Sex, alcohol, drugs, profanities - aren't these what most American teenagers do?

So when I came here, I began to observe. I have seen things, I won't say exactly what but it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. I happen to have a circle of friends that stay free from all these so I have yet to encounter wasted freaks though I know many who have. I have heard more than witnessed so its still too early to say.

But what really shocked me, that I did not expect was the apathy toward religion here. There are 1200 or so students here and the Christian Fellowship consists of 20 regular members; that's like 2% of the population. It's even worse than in Malaysia, a predominantly Muslim nation and this is supposed to be a Christian nation; how can this be? I know there are certainly more than those who come to CF, but I am convinced it will not even reach half of the population.

I found out sometime ago that New Hampshire is the least religious, least churched state of all States. And at that moment, I asked Him "Why did you send me here? Are You sure I'm at the right place? At a place where people don't care about religion. Where people are cold toward You? Where people are not praying, where people are not going to church; even those who call themselves Christians."

In class, a few of my classes actually, we cover certain literature and some have a lot of Biblical references and I am usually the one to expose them and answer any questions pertaining to that. Some of the Americans do know, even the non-Christians about the most basic stuff but nothing more than that. I think its ironic, that this foreign person would come in and talk about Christianity, a supposedly Western religion as its named. But later on I realized, its not ironic but it is the way it is and this is exactly why I'm here, because God has a mission for me. Do I go and evangelize them all? Of course not. But I know He's called me to take a stand for Him even in the littlest of opportunities that I'm granted and to be a light in the darkness. It is not easy, with so many temptations lurking at every corner. I hear swear words being spoken every single day, I know people who sleep together, I hear about people who sleep around, I see people getting drunk, I know people who take drugs. I am repelled by the lifestyle and honestly, it saddens me. These people need God, they really do.

I feel that there's a huge burden placed on my heart right now for the people here. For the people who don't find the need for God, who don't know God. Even for the Christians who don't really follow Christ. For the Christians who only pray on Sunday and live as if God didn't exist on every other day.

I was talking with Cindy yesterday and she told me something that I felt God was trying to tell me through her. So before I came, I had it in my mind that I was going to come here, go to CF and serve and grow in the Lord. I was going to find a church that I would feel comfortable in, I was going to find a group of strong Christian friends that I can relate to and pray with. I was going to receive spiritual food.

But He said: "I've given you so much, you have been feasting. Now you go and feed."

It couldn't be clearer. Am I in the wrong place? This spiritually dead, town, region where Wealth and Intellect are the gods. A people that are resistant and doubtful about God. I know its not a mistake.

I came here to get an education, a degree, yes. But I came here for a far greater purpose - to do His work.

Life would not be meaningful if we were to live it for ourselves, if we were to seek pleasure and chase after our own dreams. It is only when we live for Him that we find meaning.

I wish to continually say what Jesus himself said that:

John 4:34 - "My nourishment comes from doing the will of God, who sent me, and from finishing his work."

I still fail now and then, but He picks me up. I am not perfect and never will be, but His grace gives me the power and strength to do what He wills.

To God be the glory.

the best day

2011-10-21T23:52:00.003-04:00

I just remembered I haven't written about what happened the other day that I called one of the best days since I've been here.

I went to church, Wellspring Worship Center in West Lebanon, where Cindy who's the International Student Advisor as well as the CF Advisor. She and her husband, Benny, are strong believers and I just started one to one meetings with them recently, thank God for them really. Anyway, it was the church they regularly attended and they got a van to take some of us there.

Lee Grady, a journalist, author and a speaker spoke that morning and God worked through him. Somehow everything about the service just appealed to me; the worship, the message, the altar call, the post altar call worship... Lee spoke on praising God no matter what circumstance we're in and he took it from how David encouraged himself in the Lord. It was a timely message. I've been to a couple of churches but that morning, the service just made me feel so much at home, right there in church. And I couldn't be happier.

I got a double portion of the Word as Lee also came to speak to us at college. Technically it wasn't in college, but the Baptist church just right beside the college. I wished more students had turned up; there were probably 10-15 students at most and the other half were people from the town but numbers became irrelevant later on. The message was really different from what he preached in the morning; it was about the Father's heart and how our father's weaknesses and flaws often affect the way we view God. For example, if one has an alcoholic father, the person might look at God to be unpredictable and this will impair the relationship.

Needless to say, I was touched that night and was ministered to. God did amazing things not just in me, but in many people's hearts that night and healing took place. It's just great to know that we serve the same God who never changes and that in itself is something to thank God for. How great He is!!

Words were said to me that night that I will probably never forget. Hope arose in my heart that sometimes doubts, sometimes questions... But He reminded me that He had so much more and that it was only the beginning...

How could it not be the best day? God showed Himself, God spoke and God healed.

I was reminded, despite the many emotions I felt that night, that He wants me to trust Him, irregardless of my feelings.

The Lord is good, always.

Where To Begin

2011-10-21T23:40:00.002-04:00

I've been away for so long that I really don't know where to start. What exactly do I say? Here comes a very jumbled up post.

Had one of the most 'stressful' weeks last week. I put the inverted commas because the word stress is somehow foreign to me. The amount of workload I had last week was crazy; there was a paper due everyday. And procrastination did not help me. Thank God I managed to get through all the craziness without a nervous breakdown. I've seen so many people around me complaining, looking so tired and overwhelmed. God has been gracious and merciful, He's been my strength, as always.

The fall break came just in time after that and it ended on Tuesday. Classes resumed on Wednesday and now its the weekend again.

One of the most amazing things happened last week: My roommate accepted Christ. God definitely answers prayers. And the way He just moved her is still something I find unreal yet I know it is simply because that is who He is.

God has been speaking to me as well, through various people and circumstances. I feel that this HAS to be in an entirely different post so I shall retreat to that now.

Barely Here

2011-10-19T00:42:00.002-04:00

I wonder if anyone even reads this blog anymore. (I'm not trying to sound pitiful here just so you know.)

My inconsistency and long absences from posting here does not indicate that I have no time at all. Well, I'm not as free as I was but I know I could spare the time to post here if I want to.

I'm not sure if its due to the loss of interest in blogging that I'm doing this. Then again, I'm not exactly disinterested, maybe just not interested enough. Seems like college is turning me to into a paradoxical freak.

I have conceded however, in the course of typing this post (I never have a plan when I first begin) that I will continue to keep this blog alive even if its only for myself.

I feel that the days of 'what I did today along with a thousand descriptions' are gone.That's not to say I'm never gonna inform on what I did or I will not be me. Maybe I'm entering into a more contemplative, reflective phase of my life that always existed but never really dwelled in.

So with these musings I shall now end, I really do have a lot more to say, should've said and will say..

I'll be back here, soon. My constant repetition of this makes it much less believable but I'm serious this time around. The word soon itself means differently to everyone anyway.

God bless you all. Love.

Your 100 Day Prayer by John I. Snyder

2011-10-05T15:14:00.003-04:00

Your 100 Day Prayer is a useful devotion as well as prayer material. The author describes it as a "guide to your own 100-day prayer, where you will bring your issue before God every day for this 100-day period." Since it is a prayer adventure, it is not easy to fully describe what the book covers. The format everyday is the same. A Scripture is given, a few paragraphs on a certain topic followed by a prayer for the day. There is also a section called 'Today's Progress' that leaves space for notes or our own prayers; a very helpful section indeed.

Some of the topics that are frequently covered in the book include Waiting on God, Faith, Persistent Prayer, Hope and Joy. I have often come across relevant topics to the things I face and God has used the prayers and words of the book to speak to my situation. I certainly think its a good book especially for those who find it hard to pray and don't really know how to begin. Wherever you are in your spiritual walk, this will still be a good book to have or give as a gift.

There are a lot of Biblical truths and Snyder gives a lot of great insights to things. One of the quotes I couldn't help to pen down is: 'So keep this in mind when you are praying for the things you want and need: if you do not receive what you ask for now, you've lost nothing, because in th end, you will have than you ever dreamed.' Snyder often reminds us to continue having faith despite the circumstances we go through and to fix our eyes on God. In this age of uncertainty and upheaval, God is certainly the only One that we can fully trust and this is what Snyder speaks of.

Definitely a book worth reading and more importantly, applying to our lives. The meditations are not lengthy too so it won't take much time a day for those who find it hard to focus.

God bless you should you choose to embark on your 100-day prayer! I've certainly been blessed.

*I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. All opinions expressed are of my own.*

2011-10-03T01:16:00.001-04:00

Had the best day today (more like yesterday) since I came here. Will post about it in another. The next two days will be extremely stressful (because I procrastinated) and I'll be back after it's all over. Till then!

Your love is enough.
Your love is EVERYTHING.

Loneliness

2011-10-01T23:01:00.003-04:00

Loneliness- is like a disease
It plagues you once in awhile when you least expect it
When you thought all was well,
When you thought you were fine
And that you didn't need a doctor.

It creeps on you, slowly
And soon enough you feel it
You want to get rid of it
But it doesn't just go away
Sometimes it stays longer than you wish it to.

What can we do?
Do we complain?
Do we question?
Do we stop trusting?
That He will make us well again
That He sees our pain
And will heal us completely
And provide the cure to our loneliness
But no matter what we think will satisfy
There really isn't anything that can cure us of it

None but His love...

Lord, You are enough for me.
I'm trusting in You Lord
You know so much better
I'll wait Lord, I'll wait....

I feel my faith rising as I call upon Your name

2011-09-27T21:42:00.000-04:00

Will find the time somewhere this week (I hope) to update on what's been going on over here... Till then. Praise God for His providence, grace and mercy.

The States Thus Far

2011-09-10T21:09:00.005-04:00

I'm just so grateful to God that I'm here...

There were a few adjustments I had to make and am still making but overall its been great. I'm just gonna go through a couple of things I've experienced etc. Condensing everything into a single post is not easy, it turned out longer than I wanted it to be but oh well.

1. The flight was surprisingly good. It went without a glitch. My flight was a day after Hurricane Irene and because so many flights were cancelled during the weekend I was expecting some huge aftermath as well. Turns out, there were no delays and absent-minded me didn't make much blunders. Thank God. I was tired after the flight and it was painful to sit for so long especially during the 2nd (11 hour flight). I had 3 flights; KLIA - Narita, Tokyo, Tokyo - Chicago, Chicago - Boston. Altogether including transit time was 28 hours. Pretty long huh. But God sustained me through it all.

2. The families I've met here, two in particular. One is a local couple. The wife is originally from HK and the husband's from here. They hosted me for a night because my friendship family (every international student here has one) wasn't around when I arrived. Anyway this couple was really nice and their house was just beautiful. Most of the houses in the area are! Then I met my real friendship family as well and just last night I went to their home and had dinner with them. They are so nice too. Both families are Christians, how wonderful is that. God is certainly bringing people to help me keep my feet on the ground. I can't ask for more.

3. The orientation both International Student Orientation and the freshman one was great and not too taxing. There were talks, activities etc planned everyday so I was quite busy but there wasn't anything too bad and I enjoyed it. Got to know lots of people through it as well.

4. The residence hall I'm staying in is more than I could ask for. Its a substance free dorm so there is absolutely no alcohol allowed and even if a person staying here comes back drunk, should he be caught will be charged with internal possession of alcohol. The state law is that no one under 21 is allowed to drink and drugs are absolutely prohibited. Its a rather safe place I daresay. Of course there are those who go agaisnt these rules but its hard to fine. Just need to mix with the right people and no problem would arise. Just last night a few parties were busted so its kinda interesting. This is America indeed. But on the contrary, my hall is probably never gonna host any of these parties for obvious reasons and its not really loud too so its super chill. And most of the people are really nice too which ties in with my next point which concerns

5. The roommates. I have 3 of them and initially I thought it'd be a problem to get privacy and all that. And if there's a bad hat among one of us its gonna be a huge problem to deal with for one year. So far (I hope it'll remain this way) things have been great. We don't have any personality clashes and no one's really dirty so its fine. We try to accomodate each other as well when one needs to sleep etc. Not everyone is always in the room so there is privacy at times. One of my roommate's a Christian and I'm so glad God answered my prayer (and hers too) for another. She's pretty solid in her faith I daresay so its great. There's a girl from China as well so its nice to have one from the same continent if not country. Hey, I'm Chinese too.

5. The friends I've made. I've met alot of people but not all of these people are my friends. I was told that most Americans are friendly but not deep and it seems to be true. Some people, you just can't get past a certain stage and its just a superficial friendship. Even a 'How are you' when you past each other doesn't mean much which to us Asians is like 'seriously'? But anyway, I've made a couple of friends (most in my residence hall) who are really nice and are not up for all those partying nonsense as well. Some of my other friends I've made aren't that 'innocent' so to speak but I'm not gonna be judgmental and I still accept them as they are. I'm glad that at least they are accepting enough to mix with someone different and they don't have any problems with that. But they're nice as people and its fun being with them as well.

6. The food is fattening. Haha. Well I'm trying to have a balanced diet here and its all Western food though sometimes there are international dishes as well. But its not too bad and sometimes its really good so no complaints!

7. The weather. It gets really chilly sometimes and without a sweater, I'd be really cold. But its still bearable. Its sunny in the day but its still cold with the wind blowing, definitely colder than Cameron's on any normal day. It was raining for a few days as well but I'm glad that season is over now. It's not fun walking in the rain with the COLD wind blowing right at you. Grrr... I don't want winter to come! (I'd like to see and feel and play with the snow but thats all! I sound like a kid now. Haha) The winters can last up to 5 months here. o_o

8. The classes. I've had a week of classes and I'm already having a couple of reading and writing assignments. Participation is vital in college and it affects your grade if you don't speak up. Thankfully I haven't had much of a problem saying things now and then. The professors are good so far. The only thing I have to do is time management and make sure I complete my assignments on time or I'm gonna suffer, badly. Oh and for this semester I'm taking:

A Pathway class (its like a course where we do in our first semester and then a continuation in our sophomore year that is a requirement for our education here).
Sociology
English
Math
Writing (mandatory for all freshmen)

I'm happy with the classes I'm enrolled in as well, I chose all of them. :)

9. The Christian Fellowship. I've only been to one meeting last Monday, a pretty small group but it was nice. Shared some testimonies and I talked about how God calmed the storms in me about coming here etc. Its not really the same as the CF's I've been involved in but what does it matter. As long as we serve the Lord, it doesn't matter how we do it. As long as He is glorified. As long as the gospel is being lived out. But the people are great and its so much more personal and close-knit. I went for a leadership retreat today and it was super chill. It was at a house just by beautiful Lake Sunapee. You can Google that =p. Glad for the new spiritual support group I've found, may we continue to walk and shine for Him in this place.

10. The campus. Its small but not TOO small. It takes around 15 minutes at most to walk from one end right to the other. Which is good especially during the winter when you wouldn't want to be walking much. Its just the perfect size. And its so green as well. The campus is pretty old so the buildings aren't too fancy but its still nice.

11. The town. New London is a beautiful place. A quaint, peaceful town. Trees are everywhere. Not many people live here so its not busy at all. The shops are along the side of the roads, mostly isolated buildings which makes it really nice. The pictures are all on my FB. Only walked into town once, no time yet. But I've got 4 years to explore as much as I want so yea. There's absolutely no public transport here so getting around won't be too easy but its not too hard either. Once in awhile the college vans leave for Concord, the capital and my friendship family offered to bring me shopping at other places when I need to so no problem with that. Also, my roommate has a car. Heh.

Overall, I would say I'm glad. I believe God had His purpose in allowing me to come here. And though I was initially fearful of so many things prior to coming, everyday He's showing me more and more of His grace and releasing me from my fears. Instead, He bids me each moment to draw near, to depend on Him and Him alone. He tells me that my only refuge, my stronghold is Him and its with Him I am able to overcome every challenge. I know the days ahead won't be easy and I have my concerns. But because I have Him I am strengthened and I am not afraid.

He leads me, I follow.

Lead me on, Lord. You're all I have, You're all I need.

And I love you guys :)

2011-09-06T11:13:00.000-04:00

I've been away for awhile. In the States now, been here for a week. Lots of things to say but I'll keep it for later. I'm alive and well. Things are great. God is faithful, God is real. That's all I need.

2011-08-26T13:57:00.001-04:00

2 more days. I'm not sure what I'm feeling just yet.

Why God Won't Go Away by Alister McGrath

2011-08-23T10:57:00.003-04:00

Atheism is not something new, but the New Atheism is something that has been on the rise in recent years. McGrath's book gives a clear background on the New Atheism movement. A very informative, thought-provoking read. The New Atheism, as I learnt from this book is not the typical disbelief in God that atheism holds. It goes far beyond disbelief to mockery of God and religion in general. It treats religion as if it were some disease that one needs to get rid of. A New Atheist views religion as the main problem in the world today. Simply put, all religion is evil. As scary and negative as it sounds, McGrath exposes the nature of the New Atheism and the cause they believe in.

But he doesn't stop there. In well-categorized sections, he explores the different themes related to the New Atheism and argues agaisnt the invalidity of their arguments. For those who have The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, this book also has a few counter-arguments against Dawkins' ideas that are convincing. You always need both sides of the story. However, he does not get personal and uses alot of other references to back up his views as well.

I was expecting a strong defence of Christianity in particular since McGrath is so well-versed in Christian theology as written in his book of the same title. But the main purpose of this book is to really expose people to the New Atheism. In that case, it has served its purpose well. Kudos to McGrath who once again, writes in such a compelling way. I have much respect for the way he structures his arguments. Although his views are mostly countering that of New Atheism, he does not publicly put anyone down. What a contrast to the New Atheism writers who have attached many leading advocates of religion. My favourite sections were the ones on reason and science being inadequate to answer all of life's questions. I also personally loved the ending of the book. One will only understand when one reads.

If you're interested in knowing about the New Atheism, this is the book to read. Even if you're not, the book still does good in reminding us that religion will simply not fade despite there being many who do not believe. For us believers, we can rest assure, that God will not go away.

*I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. All opinions expressed are of my own.*

amazed

2011-08-18T08:00:00.002-04:00

Results came out today. And once again, as I always have said, I am grateful to Him. I know it is solely because of His mercy and grace, not because of my ability nor effort.

I still cannot understand why but He beckons me to continue trusting and relying on Him because that is where I find strength.

I thought some of the papers were rather hard and I thought my response was ever worse. Needless to say, what I got exceeded my expectations.

I don't really bother actually but for the sake of my lecturers, the college, and my parents, I was just hoping I won't fare too badly, not daring to ask for more than what I deserve.

Lord You amaze me again and again.

A new journey is just beginning. All I know is that You're leading me. I will follow.

Thank you, Lord, thank You. Not because of what I've received but because of who You are. That You've been with me through it all and You will never let me go.

Take heart. There's so much more to life than the now.

We were made for so much more.

It Starts Again

2011-08-14T10:03:00.003-04:00

Went to T.Intan in the afternoon. My uncle wanted to treat before I leave. Meals in T.Intan = seafood and its always great. Really grateful.

The EPL's season begun, finally. It was quite dull without any games going on for the past few months; it's much more exciting now. Yet I always have mixed feelings in regards to Liverpool particularly because I just want them to at least get into the top 4 but competition's getting tougher and tougher every season. Just wish the best for them. :)

Disappointing start yesterday, only managed a point. But a point's better than nothing and seeing how Sunderland came back in the second half with so much more energy and determination, I guess they deserved it.

Still, YNWA. Go REDS!

I wonder how I'll keep up with soccer in the States. If I even have the time. The timing's gonna be really weird though. A 3pm kick-off in the UK would mean I'd be watching it at 10am compared to 10pm here. But as weird as it may be, its much more feasible.

I'm thinking it could be just 'weird' because I'm not used to it.

Food for thought: Have you ever done something and when someone (usually from a different ethnicity) ask you why and the only answer you can give is 'because that's how we do it?'

There's much more to that and I'll talk about it some other time. I read a really interesting book on deep culture and thought it'd be interesting to share. :)

Till then!

feelings

2011-08-11T08:40:00.002-04:00

Feelings - they can never be trusted.
I've gone through the cycle again and again
And it all ends up the same.
Gone as if it were never there.
In fact, as I look back at most
I can only ask myself why it started
Yet not understand.

I'm here once again
And it's been awhile at that -
That I've been free from any attachments
Free from the feelings
Sometimes there's pleasure tied to it
When you think of the person ever so frequently
You wonder what he's doing
And if he ever thinks of you
Yet at the end of the day
You only sigh to know
That everything is just in your head
It will never be a reality
The truth certainly hurts.

I want to remind myself of these worthless infatuations
Because when I enter this phase again,
The same illusion begins.
It will seem so important yet turn into
Nothing at the end of the day
How do I tell what's real from what's not?
How do I stop the feelings when it comes so fast?
The answer is not to stop
But not to let it rule
The heart will want to follow
But we are all left with a choice.
The best thing we all can do
Is to submit our feelings
No they won't go away
But He'll take care of it, He will.

When I'm at it again, I'll remember
How it'll all come to nothing once again.
Even if it were to grow into something more,
I'll let Him guide me.
And I'll see what I've never seen before.
Something so beautiful only He can conjure.

2011-08-10T13:01:00.002-04:00

I have one desire now - to live a life of reckless abandon for the Lord, putting all my energy and strength into it. (Elisabeth Elliot)

Nothing else matters. Not my plans, nor my hopes and dreams. I don't have them, or they're all being molded to His. At least, its what I hope will happen eventually as I grow closer and closer to Him.

Let Your will be done.

singapore

2011-08-09T01:46:00.003-04:00

Just got back from Singapore this morning. Went there on Friday. I'm too lazy to go through the details so I'd just mention a few of the highlights of the trip;

- Festival of Praise 2011. Fri and Sat night. New Life Worship was amazing and worshipping God along with thousands of people was so uplifting. There were moments where I just stood there totally in awe and loss for words just imagining what it'd be like in heaven one day where everyone will worship Him in spirit and in truth. Such joy indeed. John Bevere, known for authoring great Christian titles was the speaker and he was a solid speaker. Thank God for using and speaking through him.

- Chilling, eating, walking around, going here and there. Need I say more?

- Just spending time with the brothers. :)

I'm grateful I was able to go on this trip. Thank You.

2011-08-01T12:59:00.002-04:00

I decided to revamp my blog and what you see right now took me nearly 2 hours. I still want to add more stuff but this'll do for now. I've been using layouts made by other people but since Blogger has a new layout editing feature (for quite some time now), I thought I'd try it out. :)

I've exactly a month left and I'm not ready to leave at all.

Really don't know what else to say right now so till then.

God bless. :)

what might be

2011-07-26T10:50:00.002-04:00

I want to expound on what I said at the end of the previous post.

Warning: The following might be sensitive in pertaining to religious beliefs. Everything I write is my own thoughts and I do not intend to offend anyone.

It scares me to be honest, to wonder what will become of me as a person in 4 years time. Its a cause for concern to think that my faith might be challenged to the point where I might not be sure of what I believe in or be shaken that I might leave it for good. I dare not imagine it and I pray for His mercy.

All along, He's been with me and I know He will continue to be with me. But I'm now opening myself up to the possibilities of my faith being openly challenged.

I know I might not have the answers that would please those who enquire why I believe in the first place. All I know is that I know He is true, the how and why I cannot prove but one does not need to see in order to believe despite the notion that seeing is believing.

For me, 'Believing is Seeing'. And not seeing with one's eyes but one's heart knowing the truth.

As Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 4:3-6 - And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

Somehow this post turned out totally different from what I had envisioned it to be; what I had intended to write... But perhaps this is what the Spirit is guiding me to do.

Months ago, I came across a passage of Scripture when I was afraid of possibly giving in to the temptations of this world when I enter a very different place. Who can tell?

But He encouraged me through this:

Psalm 119:9 - How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to Your word.

That is what I long to do. And I know only He can empower me to do it.

In You I place my trust.

2011-07-25T10:02:00.002-04:00

I was in KL yet again over the weekend for the US Apps Workshop for the second time around and as a facilitator this time around. The facilitator group was made up of those who studied/ are studying/going to study in the States. You can read about my previous experience here.

When I read it over, all I can say is Wow.

Many people talk about how tedious it is, how they had sleepless nights and often felt like they didn't want to go on. I have to admit I did feel kinda tired sometimes during the application process and there were times I asked why I'm even doing it. But I never felt that I couldn't go on because I knew He would carry me through. And I can only thank Him, never enough but I thank Him anyway.

The workshop this time around wasn't that mentally exhausting since I didn't really have much information to process. I was in charge to speak along with two others for the Financial Aid portion and though I was initially unsure how to go about it, He filled me with peace and I guess it went okay.

But more than that, I would remember the people I met. I barely knew any of the facilitators yet over two days, I made lots of new friends and there are those whom I hope will continue to be close to although we'll be dispersed all around the States. And I realized what a small world this is having met so many people I have mutual friends with!

One thing that struck me during the workshop was when some facilitators shared how the US experience really opens up one's mind and changes the person to think differently or at least look at things widely.

I'll post my feelings on that in another post. I'm done for now.

Thank You.

you'll never walk alone

2011-07-17T13:06:00.013-04:00

16th July 2011; a day to remember indeed.

Stv and me went to Starbucks at Amcorp Mall while waiting for Abel who was at Urbanscapes near Asia Jaya. It was 3plus by the time we left and reached Masjid Jamek where he had to switch trains at 4. We were surprised to see the huge crowd lining up to buy tickets. Of course we knew many would go for the game but we didn't expect so many at the station at that time.

We reached the stadium just in time for the match. Stv initially bought RM58 tickets for us both and we were supposed to sit there. But I received 2 grandstand tickets from a church friend who works in Standard Chartered. I'm really grateful. We sat there and it was quite a good view though during the second half it was quite difficult to see the action taking place at the other end (where most of the goals were scored) since we were closer to the other end. Still, it was more than what I could ask for and it was amazing. 20 minutes into the game, the people around me started looking to the back and we realized it was an MU fan. They started shouting and asking him to take it off. It was a white guy this time and he aggravated the fans when he kissed the MU crest. Seriously? I was anxious for them to stop looking and focus on the game which happened shortly after the scene.

The 80,000 crowd

I expected the crowd to cheer more throughout cause I felt it wasn't as loud as it could and should be. Support for the national team exceeded my expectations and I guess it was a good thing cause I wasn't really contributing any. Not that I'm anti Malaysia or anything, far from that really. But like it or not, I was and am all out for the Reds and that's it. I have to admit I was rather impressed at how the national team played against a very relaxed Liverpool. I'd give them the credit for their hard work and persistence. But even against an under par Liverpool performance; it clearly wasn't good enough. The fact that the score ended 6-3 says everything. I found it amusing how the Reds were so relaxed throughout the game; it was evident in the way they celebrated goals (or lack of) and maintained such a cool composure even when 'threathened'. They weren't really complacent and still played at a wholly different class. I thought the 2nd half was much better though; the team played better together. Aquilani and Kelly stood out for me. Even players like Ngog, Poulsen and Shelvey who are usually on the bench played really well.

The match was exciting from start to finish though the most 'kan cheong' (suspenseful) times were after Malaysia seemed to be on the verge of a comeback (good thing they didn't). But I really thought Liverpool had better be on their feet or they might end up equalizing, which were just irrational fears of mine. Obviously they had the upper hand, no question about it.

The players during the half-time break

Lap of honour after the game :)

Still, it was exhilirating and the crowd was rather loud and supportive for both sides. My throat hurt badly after the game but it was worth it. Just being with all the other Reds supporters from the nations; knowing that there are just so many! It fostered a sense of pride and belonging; although everyone was a complete stranger. Yet we were all behind the same team, shouting, cheering and singing at the top of our lungs. It would've been better if was louder and stronger but I was glad enough. I really felt the reality of the club's anthem and motto: You'll Never Walk Alone.

I managed to video the crowd singing the anthem.

Left the stadium still feeling surreal and wished it didn't have to end so fast. To say that I enjoyed the night was an understatement. After the game, we packed the LRT station again; it was nice to see that the spirit was still so strong and even small gestures like walking up the stairs, and entering the train in packs triggered Liverpool chants. I could only smile.

And once again, some sharp-eyed people pointed out an MU fan right across the train tracks and asked him to take it off; not sure what happened though. The train was jam packed but I didn't feel frustrated as one would on a normal day; it was no normal day. We reached Sentral after half an hour and Soni picked us up and dropped Stv at the airport.

Dinner at Murni, SS2.

YNWA.

training session

2011-07-17T12:19:00.008-04:00

Liverpool flew in from China on Thursday morning and the training session was scheduled to be at 7p.m.

I went to college to meet up with some July juniors to go for the game. Kyle drove us there. There were 4 of us in the car; the other two being Caleb who doesn't support any club and Jun Hou who's an Mu fan. Lol.

We left college at 4plus and reached around 5. The stadium was already quite packed. There were approximately 38,000 people who came for the training session as reported by the papers. Malaysia was already training when we came.

The one and only shot I got of them.

Caleb, Suman and Jun Hou

A pic with Kyle instead of Caleb.

There were so many false alarms while we were waiting for the team to come. When people stood up, everyone else followed so it was kinda funny. Oh, and for those of you who've watched the video on the Mu fan being forced the take off his jersey by the Liv fans; we kinda saw it from afar. It was right across us; obviously we couldn't see what was going on but the people behind us were pointing and saying that there was an Mu fan wearing the jersey over there. We saw many lights flashing, people moving around and guessed something was going on. You can watch the video here.

We waited till 7 and thought the team will probably be late due to bad traffic. When the first few people from the Liverpool team (not the players) came on the pitch, everyone stood and cheered. It built up till the players themselves arrived at 7.30 and by then, the noise level was elevated. The training session seemed rather intense compared to how the national team trained. There came a point during the training where the crowd started doing a Mexican wave that went around for 7-8 rounds. It was hilarious but I found it quite annoying after awhile. C'mon, we're supposed to be cheering for them and not S-S (Syok Sendiri) right? But I remembered we were Malaysians after all.

Paul Rogers, the head of content for Liverpoolfc.tv said: "I’ve certainly never seen a Mexican wave amongst fans at a training session before but then again, I can’t ever remember seeing almost 38,000 fans at a training session before"..

HAHAHA.

The rest are pictures I took of the training and a short video as well.

It ended at 9; took us half an hour to get out of the station yet it was worthwhile. It was only a fraction of what we were about to experience on Saturday. Was really looking forward to the day then.

Next post: Matchday

kl trip

2011-07-17T12:01:00.004-04:00

Just got back from KL today. Best trip ever. Probably cause it's due to the fact that the main reason for it was to watch Liverpool play. Scheduled my Visa interview to be around the same time so I don't have to make another trip.

Went down on Thursday and went for the training session with some college juniors. Had my Visa interview the next day and it went rather well. I felt it was quite fast cause I expected more questions. Thank God it's approved though. I was telling Him I'd take it as a sign not to go to the States should my visa be rejected.... Wherever You lead me Lord.

I had two hours to kill right after the interview so I went to KLCC and Canaanland at Menara TA which was just across. Good thing there was the latter or I would've been bored wandering around the former aimlessly. I love Christian bookshops. :).

Met up with Abel and Stv at Sentral later on and Aren came to fetch us. Thanks Aren :). Had Village Park Nasi Lemak which I daresay is one of the best in the country... After that we pretty much just chilled at my aunt's place.

Full post on the game coming up.

let go, let god

2011-07-12T11:48:00.004-04:00

Have you ever heard people say that they can't let go?

Have you ever had your friend tell you he can't let go?

Have you ever said you can't let go?

I know I have.

I'm beginning to believe that it isn't a case of us being unable to let go of someone or something that's important to us. Rather it's more of us not wanting to (despite our constant denial).

However, this stubborness isn't unwarranted. It's probably due to the deep impression the person or the event (or whatever else it may be) left on us that makes us feel that we simply can't let go. And more often than not, there is also the fear of letting go. We just don't know what's to come.

But there is an answer to it all; Him.

Hah.. I can hear some of you say... How can it be? How can you (as in me) be so simplistic; so naive.

Naive or not, I know that He is the answer to this. Perhaps to all our other problems as well. With our own strength, we might as well not try since we're doomed to fail; we'd probably be even more discouraged than when we started. But He has promised to guide us through and asked us to cast our cares on Him.

By letting go, He's asking us to let God. In other words, by giving Him the things or people we so tightly hold on to, He grants us peace instead. Grace, mercy and love. A larger capacity to forgive. The first step is to ask; is to come to Him.

I know it to be true; I myself struggled and it was only when I realized how simple it was - all I needed to do was to look to Him and trust that He would do it for me as long as I was willing to give it to Him. Simple but not easy. We must be aware of the difference or we will be fooled in thinking that it requires no effort on our part.

But God plays a much bigger role here and that we need to understand.

If only we could see, if only we could know....

The Lord declares:
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

He promised:
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

"With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

In a way, we were right saying we can't let go; not without Him we can.

Take heart. So many have gone before and so many can testify of His great love and grace. He is faithful and if you would only let go and let Him take it for you... It's hard to explain the joy that comes from resting in His abundant love.

Psalm 34:8 - Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

God bless. :)

never despise our brokenness

2011-07-10T10:51:00.003-04:00

I often enjoy reminiscing the past. Especially times where I felt completely helpless, hopeless and worthless. Because those were the times He lifted me up.

It's really true that only when one goes through the valley that he experiences the presence of God most tangibly. God becomes so close that one can scarcely imagine. But the feeling is incomprehensible.

It is when the reality of this verse is experienced:
Psalm 34:18 - The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

He is the Lifter of our heads.

Troubled? Look to Him.

Worried? Trust Him.

Lonely? Talk to Him.

If its in the valley that we see Him for all He is; then let us walk through it without fear but confidence that He will see us through.

Just some thoughts. :)

purpose

2011-07-07T09:45:00.003-04:00

Just two posts ago, I said that I've been blogging pretty inconsistently due to the lack of anything interesting/blog-worthy. I was wrong; there are plenty.

Of His goodness in my life; I have plenty of testimonies and stories to share.

Of what He's been speaking and teaching me; I cannot count.

Of His mercy and grace; I am continually amazed.

I don't care if this blog will be labelled 'radical' or too 'Christian' or boring.

I just know I need to share, more so than I've ever done.

He completes me. He fills me. He rules me.

I've got to break out and leave myself.

I remember an author saying that Vanity is the greatest enemy; indeed.

I'm coming back to my calling; You.

cure for the common life by max lucado

2011-07-04T04:41:00.004-04:00

Max Lucado's written a whole lot of books and I am wondering why it is only now that I've read one of his.

When I initially read the description to this book, I thought it'd be irrelevant since I'm not working yet. So it was rather surprising that I found it completely applicable and insightful.

There are many self-help books out there that tells you how you can escape the mundaneness of work but Lucado's Cure for the Common Life is certainly no common guide. In fact, it rises above them all.

Lucado reveals the secret to breaking out from the ordinary routine that most people dread and it is no secret at all. The key to it is basically to:

Use your uniqueness (what you do)
to make a big deal out of God (why you do it)
every day of your life (where you do it).

And somewhere in the middle of all 3, we'll find out sweet spot. With sheer honesty, Lucado pens a very interesting book that easily captures the reader's attention. He reminds us of the Biblical truths about work and the God whom we serve. I like how he never leaves God out of the picture even in practical topics such as finding our skills and gifts. You'd be surprised that many Christian authors today often quote more secular ideas than Biblical truths. This cannot be said of Lucado.

It's the right mix of practical advice and Christian ideas in regard to the subject matter addressed. There's also a very helpful Sweet Spot Discovery Guide included that seeks to help readers discover their S.T.O.R.Y. as well as a section for personal/group reflection.

Time to pick this one up!

*I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. All opinions expressed are of my own.*

2011-07-03T10:52:00.002-04:00

I guess my inconsistency in blogging is due to the lack of anything 'interesting' or blog-worthy. (I'm not saying all previous entries were anything close to that).

Or is it something that comes as we age (perhaps entering into early adulthood)? That most of the things that used to capture our interest just don't anymore. Who knows.

I guess I'd come back when I really do have something to update on. Or if I get any revelations, better not to force any just to post something.

As a brief update, I'm renewing my passport tomorrow and applying for my visa asap. Going to T.Intan with mum somewhere mid-week to stay with grandparents as well as do my medical check-up. Hope I don't have any ailments or some sort. I'd definitely be cutting down on junk then.

Bye, for now. :)

p.s: I still look back and am truly amazed at how He's led me through it all.

to-do-list

2011-06-26T13:22:00.003-04:00

So many things to do although I'm pretty much free after college. This list would be a good reminder to self:

1. Passport renewal
2. Visa
3. Medical Check-up (More vaccinations... Bring it on.. haha)
4. Read 3 books a week (honestly, it's really important I get this reading habit or I'm gonna suffer much in college.)
5. Catch up with friends
6. Clear up stuff in my room
7. Pack (much later)
8. Buy whatever I need. (too general but its true)

The rest are not as important so I guess they don't have to be in the list. It's not exhaustive anyway.

it's over

2011-06-24T09:48:00.002-04:00

2 years have gone by, just like that. Now I can FINALLY say that College and A-Levels is done with. :)

It's been a whirlwind of a journey and I still can't believe how things have worked out. Through certain events, God led me to choose this path, one that was never in my mind... And I believe if not for His grace, I wouldn't be here. I don't think things could have got any better.

I've learnt a lot from the whole college experience, met great people, joined and was part of the awesome CF. I believe I grew and matured a lot through it all. (I certainly do hope.) I always had it in my mind that college isn't just a time to study and get good grades; it's so much more than that. Leaving a legacy behind; doesn't mean you have to change things around. If God could work through me to just touch one life, I believe it was more than worth it. It is His grace that has brought me through the rough patches and brought different people at different times to offer encouragement and insight. I believe He brought people along my way as well...

I know there were certainly times I could have been better as a person and I guess I probably said and inadvertently did things that hurt people.. To those people, whoever you may be, I am truly sorry. It's quite sad that I won't be going back to MCKL, the place I feel so at home in... I'll surely miss all my 0907 peeps, CF members and other friends..

Yet I believe there is a time for everything and right now its a transition period for me. I've 2 months left in this country before I step outside. I'm not going to think any further right now. It's all in His hands. :)

2011-06-12T06:59:00.003-04:00

Exams begin tomorrow, finally! Some are done with exams, some are halfway through it, some are going to finish and here I am still as free as ever.

Got back to KL today after a month, looked at my surroundings and I honestly don't think I'd miss KL much. Probably just the people.. Anyway, no regrets for all that's taken place in the past two years. Eh, it's not time for this yet.

Anyway, I'm far from prepared. I guess my complacency is obvious, since I've already been accepted to the States and my results this time around won't really affect my admission. Unless it turns out horrible (I hope not), it should be alright. I guess I can say its all for my 'ego' now, which I don't exactly have which is why I haven't put in the effort I should have put in long ago. They say you gotta finish well... Ah, what can I say...

But I do know He's got it all in control. And all the nonsense about God helping those who helps themselves? No such thing. God helps those who are aware that they can't help themselves; the 'poor' so to speak...

One thing about 'revision' this time is that I've been reading for Religious Studies and I have learnt so much. Most of the things are relatively new and are puzzling at times. But at the end of the day, I know that we will never fully understand the Truth, but we just need to trust in it. And I do, I do. That's all I need.

Lord, should I ever be distracted by the now or whatever that comes my way, help me remember that this life is just temporary and I am not where I belong.. Not yet.... Help me live my life solely for You... You alone.

Same Life, New Story by Jan Silvious

2011-06-11T08:20:00.005-04:00

Have you ever been tired of living the same old life? Have you ever been through difficult circumstances and feel that there is nothing you could do about it? Have you ever find yourself wishing for the might-have-beens instead of looking forward to what can be?

Jan Silvious’ Same Life, New Story tackles these very issues and challenges women to break out from the old, from the norm. Instead of allowing our lives to be overtaken by the emotions that so often arise from our circumstances, she reminds us that things could be different by the way we allow our story to be scripted; proven by the women in the Bible known for their persistence, resilience and faith.

Drawing upon stories of the women of the Bible (ranging from the more well known ones such as Elizabeth and Naomi to the lesser known Jehosheba and Naaman’s servant girl), there is a particular lesson to learn from every individual character. It’s also interesting the way she uses the stories of real people that are inspiring and a good reminder that we are never alone.

The whole book is a reminder that our circumstances should not determine our past, present and future. Whatever it is, there is always a chance for a new story to be written. What I like about most is that she occasionally writes that God is the Author and we are His subjects; bringing the focus off ourselves and on Him who is worthy of our all.

Although I would not consider this as a life-changing or an extremely thought-provoking book, I would still recommend it to anyone. We all need to be reminded of the things we 'already know' but are not doing. We may all have the ‘same life’, but a fresh start is always there for anyone who needs one and is ready to call on Him for it.

*I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. All opinions expressed are of my own.*

2011-06-09T12:55:00.004-04:00

Band Camp was good. Learnt a lot, and God reminded me once again of His faithfulness in my life. I can't thank You enough.

As always, I have been pushing things to the VERY last minute. Exam starts on Monday and I am not prepared. Revision has been almost non-existent and I won't start complaining or regretting because it won't change anything. Leaving it all to Him now.

God certainly knows how to bring the right people into our lives, we only need to trust Him. Nothing makes me happier than knowing God uses His servants to touch the lives of others... And that we can learn from every single experience, big or small as long as our hearts are open to Him.

Nothing is wasted, nothing...

Thank You Father for being my comfort, my shelter and everything I could ever ask for.... I have enough because I have You.

failed attempt

2011-06-02T13:40:00.003-04:00

I wanted to know how I'd look like with short hair; found a short hairstyle that looked pretty nice.

So I got a friend with awesome Photoshopping skills to help me.

It's not her fault that the pic looks terribly weird/abnormal. Haha. The picture (of myself) that I gave her was evidently out of proportion.

I can't look at it without laughing. LOL.

God is God

2011-05-30T11:15:00.003-04:00

God is God and I am man
I can only see a part of the picture He's painting.

Jan Silvious, an author wrote 'I believe learning to content yourself begins with the acknowledgement that God is God are you are not.'

I couldn't agree more.

Isaiah 45:5,7 - I am the Lord. There is no other God; I am the only God. I made the light and the darkness. I bring peace, and I cause troubles. I, the Lord, do all these things.

Understanding His sovereignty sheds light on our humanity, helping us to realize we are His subjects.

Most of us know the story of Job and how he undeservedly went through all the suffering although he was 'blameless'. Why would God allow a righteous man to endure such pain in life? Job never got an answer; nor do we know it.

However, after much lament, (30+ chapters), God finally spoke and in 4 wonderful chapters, (Job 38-41); reminded Job of His sovereignty, supremity and power which left Job speechless and his only reply was:

Job 42:2-3 - “I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. [You asked,] ‘Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.

Which leaves me wondering... Who are we to question? The moment something goes wrong in our lives, we quickly ask God why. When we see someone else doing better than us, we often wonder if God knows we deserve that more than the other.... So many times we argue, we question, we complain and very often, are left worse than before we ever asked.

But when we begin to comprehend who God is, things begin to change. We find ourselves content although we don't understand a lot of things. Questions and things that use to confound us no longer effect how we see God. In fact, we are brought even closer to Him for the very reason that He is God and we are not.. Do you see what I see?

And so, with this truth, let us not now worry about this and that. But realize how BIG, how GREAT God is. He's immeasurable, He's immense.

Oh how silly we can be when we question. Even with the answers, we are often discontent. If God wants to reveal them to us, so be it. If not, let us just be glad that He is the God of the universe. If He could oversee EVERYTHING, how could He not know whats going on in our lives.

We will never understand everything. We will never comprehend Him fully. But one thing is enough; He is God, not me, not you, not anyone in this world.

It's time we rightfully give back what belongs to Him:- ourselves

2011-05-26T13:11:00.002-04:00

Haven't been doing much to be honest. Exam's still awhile away so as usual, haven't studied yet. Next week, I will. Sounds all too familiar?

Anyway, it's grandma's 80th birthday celebration on Saturday in T.I. She's only 79 this year but following the Chinese calendar, she's 80 so there'll be a pretty grand celebration. I still remember granddad's 80th 5 years ago.

I laugh at myself as I remember how much I detested 'dressing up' for it. I was stubborn in not wanting to wear feminine stuff. Can read the post here. I was 15, so that explains it... I certainly amuse myself, if not you.

I'm not the same now. I'm fine with the idea of 'dressing up'. Still prefer my shirt and shorts over anything but if something calls for feminine dressing, so be it. But then again, I still have the same strict ideals and views on what's decent and what's not. I'm not crossing that line for sure.

Anyway, it's probably gonna be the last big family reunion before I leave. Gotta cherish the moments.

I'll probably post pictures since this blog seems so bare. Till then!

2011-05-17T11:53:00.002-04:00

Last CF; graduating class of 2011

College's ended. Exams in a month's time.

Haven't started revising of course. Hope I will soon. That's what I always say and then I'll be left with only a week. Oh, well.

Though I'm not exactly stressed about exams, I do wish to get over and done with it soon. And I can officially close a chapter of my life, though I'm pretty much in the process.

I won't say I'm ready to move on to the next stage of life in a completely foreign land. I have had second thoughts though not strong enough to make me regret my decision..

God has His plans for me and all I need to do is avail myself to them..

I don't have dreams for myself (at least not ones that I have to achieve), my only dream is to dream His dreams and live the life He created me for.

You are the Potter, I am the clay
Mould me and make me, this is what I pray

2011-05-04T07:02:00.002-04:00

I remember there was a time I didn't want college to end. Maybe even a few times. But that was because my July friends were still around; now there's only 15 of us Arts people left; without the Science peeps, we are almost non-existent in college dominated by the juniors.

Next week's the last week for classes and then exams are in mid June, for me at least. I honestly can't wait for it to be over. I've been here long enough and it's kinda tiring. Of course I will miss college and my friends. But it's time to move on.

I'm glad He led me here but there's always an end to everything. I'm not officially done with A-Levels and college yet so I'll save my goodbyes and stories for later.

And as people come and go, He has always stood by my side. I am blessed.

going away

2011-04-28T08:26:00.002-04:00

After much prayer and discussion with my parents, I've decided to accept Colby-Sawyer's offer and will be going there at the end of August. I've deposited and officially am a CSC student Class of 2015. Making the decision wasn't easy. Although it was the only door that was clearly open for me, I was still apprehensive about deciding too quickly because I wanted to really make sure it was Him who opened the door. So how did I know He did? Well for one, I can't say that He showed a really obvious sign that says GO. But His leading in our lives aren't always clear-cut, we've got to seek Him and know where He's bringing us. Through the little things along the way and especially the fact that we're all at peace with it, I'm taking this leap of faith.

Why leap of faith you ask me?

The idea of going to a foreign country to further studies is intriguing. But at what expense? Leaving my family, friends and basically everything I know behind and going to a new place is kinda scary. But I'm not gripped by fear just yet, because I know He will go with me.
Also, the States are becoming a more godless nation and more and more people are turning away from God. Not to mention the lifestyle there is completely different with temptations lurking at every corner. I told Him before, that if He knew it would be too great for me to withstand, don't lead me there. Because if my faith is going to be shaken, I'd rather not go. I'd rather die before that ever happens. No joke. The thought of me being far away from Him scares me.

But then again, I was reminded;
Psalm 119:9 - How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word.

He speaks.

My trust is in Him and not in my own strength. There are many uncertainties; questions about what if I don't maintain the required CGPA to keep my merit scholarship, funding and settling down, finding the right church etc. Whatever they may be, I choose not to allow it to bother me, but that they may lead me back to Him. It's all in His hands. If He led me to it, He will lead me through it. He's a faithful God, no doubt about that.

this love, his love

2011-04-21T10:16:00.005-04:00

Just like Christmas, the yearly celebration of Easter has become so commercialized (though not as bad as Christmas since only Christians celebrate Easter unlike Christmas where everyone 'celebrates'.)

Only few actually reflect on its true meaning and think of the implications and act on it. I was close to being of the 'many'. It's really not hard, since we hear the message again and again. Who doesn't know it by heart? Jesus died on the Cross for our sins, He bore it all, that we might be reconciled to God, that we might have eternal life.

Stop there.

His death and resurrection has been described as the 'greatest event in all history of mankind'. Certainly it has.

Isaiah 53:4-5 - Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.

My friend, do you know what it means?

Our minds would understand the fact that He died for us, for our sins.

What does that mean?

Today, I was reminded once again, and I haven't felt it for a very long time, what it meant for Him to die for me. For Him to take on my sin. And not just that, but to pay the price, and no longer have me condemned for it.

Because I have taken Him for granted time and again. And every time I drift away, even for just a moment, He waits for me with longing in His eyes and love in His heart and the moment I return to Him, He does not ask me 'Where have you been?'. Instead, He embraces me and say 'My daughter, I love you.'

He gave up EVERYTHING for me, how can I hold anything back?

When we realize how much we have wronged Him, we are in awe of His giving up of His life for us. His love for us.

It doesn't matter what you've done, whether or not you've been far away, whether or not you have ever known Him, whether or not you have rejected Him. He is there, waiting.

He loves you.

For me, that's all that matters.

I hope its the same for you too.

1 John 4:10 - This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

hungry yet?

2011-04-16T08:36:00.005-04:00

I believe this will be my first food post, real food review. A friend complained that I always mentioned I ate something nice but NEVER mention where or what. (you know who you are, haha). So here I go. Pictures weren't taken by me.

Restoran Fai Kee @ Jalan Seenivasagam, Ipoh

The restaurant is famous for their Fish Head Noodles and Seafood Noodles.

I've only been there a few times, but the most recent visit there, just 3 days ago made me want to post this up. It's too good not to share.

Fish Head Meehoon with Evaporated Milk.

For those of you who have never eaten fish head noodles, I really don't know what to say.

Anyway, it comes with deep fried pieces of fish in soup. This shop has two types of fish; dory and garoupa. One thing good about this place is that the fish has a lot of meat unlike most stalls that give you mostly bones.

There are two choices of soup, one is the sourish, Teochew style soup base which you can also have with evaporated milk; the other is clear soup broth. However, I still prefer the one with milk.

There are also varieties of noodles to choose from; Yellow Mee, Meehoon, Kueytiao, Lou Shi Fun and the Thick Meehoon (my favourite) though it finishes fast.

This is AWESOME stuff, chicken + fish meat.. It tastes like fried fish cake but the texture is slightly different.

I haven't tried the Seafood Noodles myself but I reckon its pretty good.

Price wise, it's around RM5-6 per bowl depending on what you call. Not too cheap but definitely value for money. Enough said, it's a MUST TRY. If you're not from Ipoh, pay a visit and I'll bring you there. Haha.

crossroad

2011-04-07T12:55:00.004-04:00

I'm at a rather crucial stage of my life where I have to make an important decision regarding the future. It's the first time I've ever been contemplating so much, more like waiting on God for His decision.

I'm now left with one option and I have till the 1st of May to decide. I got accepted into Colby-Sawyer College, in New Hampshire. Praise the Lord really. I applied for it separately from the other colleges cause it wasn't even my plan to do so. And it's currently the only open door for me, but it doesn't mean its the right one.

Yes I want to go but the question isn't about me. I was so set on Singapore last time but eventually, God led me to MCKL and I have no regrets. He knows better. I've talked to my parents and they're also praying; I told them to let me know what they feel the Lord is saying so I can decide as well.

Proverbs 16:9 - Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Although there are a lot of things I could worry about, I choose not to dwell on them. I believe that if its where He wants me to be, He will provide. I trust Him.

Lord, I surrender, all to You.

of dreams and plans

2011-03-26T12:03:00.006-04:00

It's the #300th post. Not that the number bears any significance, but it seems alot, at least it is to me.

Anyway, as in my previous post, I've mentioned how I've been wait-listed and accepted, now I'm also rejected.

I applied to 9 colleges in the States, I know its a bit too much, but I was thinking more of more places, more chances of getting accepted, even if its only one.

I'm also applying to NTU in Sg. As of now, I'm really not sure where I'll be going. But it's not a question of where I want to go, but where He wants to. That was always the case. I knew that my dreams are pointless, if they're not aligned with the plans He has for me.

"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Proverbs 16:9

It's not easy, to give up our desires and dreams, but if we will remember who this God is, it won't be such a struggle. A good God only wants the best for His people, a Father would only give the best. I trust Him.

About the place I got accepted to, I'm grateful that I got in, and thank God because the scholarship/aid they gave is pretty good though it would still be a bit costly to go there. My mum told me not to set my heart too hard on going there, because I'd be disappointed if it doesn't work out. She's right, and I'm continuing to keep myself in check. I don't want to make the wrong decision only to regret. Well, I'm still yet to hear from the rest of the places to make my decision just yet.

I'm still waiting on Him, and I know He will lead me as I seek Him. My indecisiveness on a major might be worrying for some, but I don't see a problem.

My purpose in life? My ambition? My dream?

To see His will be done in my life. It's not easy, to live what I say, but it's not impossible.

There's nothing greater than living a life set and ready to do His will..

Our obedience should not be a compulsion but out of our love for Him.

God bless you all. :)

2011-03-24T07:18:00.002-04:00

It's gonna be an interesting week as the replies will start to come in from the places I applied to in the States. So far I've heard from two colleges, wait listed for one, and accepted in the other. Thank God really. Ultimately I know that it's all in His hands so I'm not worried. I don't want to follow my dreams, but to align it with what He has in store.

again and again

2011-03-18T04:52:00.000-04:00

After going through the same thing over and over again, you would tend to be desensitized to it. But not if it comes in a different form.

I thank Him, for always being there for me in times of need. He is near, not only when I need Him but even when I'm far away.

For every time I lose my purpose, every time I lose my way, I look at the Cross and I remember Your sacrifice, it guides me once again.

Psalm 30:5 - Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.

He made my heart light once again. :)

letting go

2011-03-07T10:42:00.002-05:00

I always sleep in the bus, most of the time. So I thought this morning would be no exception, given the fact that I only slept for 4 hours last night. Was too excited after the match.

As I was listening to certain worship songs, I began thinking about Surrender. The issue has always been one close to my heart, particularly because I find it something hard to do yet it is much required. I am usually able to surrender myself to Him, all but a small part of me. It's an ongoing decision, of letting go and allowing Him to take control. But it brings great joy. As I have seen.

But just as I was thinking of how important it was to surrender, He asked me, "What about you?" At that moment, I was speechless, not knowing what to say. I looked into my life, and it was so clear; that I was holding on to something dear to me, confused about what to do when the answer was pretty clear to begin with: Give it to Him.

He was telling me to trust Him. It may not work out the way I want to, but whatever it is, I have to give it up. Painfully, I told Him I would, I would trust. Because He's been so faithful, and I believe He knows best, He wants the best. "Lord, whatever may become of this. I'm letting it go."

Tears rolled down, because the struggle was immense. The test came hours later and I felt the temptation to take back all I said. But I know its a decision I will not regret.

I love Him more.

2011-03-05T03:30:00.002-05:00

How far would you go for those you love?

How much would you be willing to sacrifice?

How far, how far?

At the expense of sacrificing your own part, your own possible happiness, to alleviate any possible pain and endless suffering?

I'd like to know.

Cause right now, I can't tell. I don't know.

the war within

2011-02-24T09:49:00.002-05:00

Isn't it ironic how I've much more free time on my hands right now yet I'm updating even less than I used to when my semester was packed and college was basically all I knew.

Anyway, I've been alright.

Been torn between what they tell me to do, what I should do and what is the right thing to do. It's really confusing sometimes.

I mean the reasoning makes sense, if you want something so badly, go for it, or you might lose it. But how can I lose something I never had? Probably lose something I could have had. Well, that's not for me to say.

I'm torn between a desire and a strong will to trust and not take things into my own hands. But how far is too far? What do I do?

The only thing I hear Him telling me is to TRUST.

That's exactly what I'll do..

Wait, does that mean I don't do anything at all, but sit and wait? Or do I try and trust at the same time.

These questions, never seem to leave.

But I know one thing, He is with me, He will guide me, He will lead me. And He will satisfy me.

love?

2011-02-16T08:50:00.002-05:00

Two days late, but does it matter.. Valentine's Day. Did you know that over the years, the day has evolved to be what we have now? A day for lovers to celebrate and express love for each other.

There are various stories about the history of Valentine's Day and how it all began, you can always read it up online if you haven't. I'm not going to talk about this..

Everyone seeks love, and often in the wrong places. I think it's great that the Day is a good reminder of what true love is about, not what Hollywood portrays it to be but really, what He did for us.

There is no greater Lover, no greater love... John 15:13 - Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

The question is, do we have this kind of love, for our family, our friends, strangers? Well He absolutely did. And if not for the love, the world would never know love. Indeed, most do not know it as they do not know Him.

Even if you know it, would you thank Him once again. For His undying love. And for those who do not know, open up your heart, to the Greatest Lover of all.

He satisfies.

2011-02-09T06:38:00.002-05:00

The final semester started on Monday. And I'm really free considering I have an average of 10 hours of class a week; compared to 23 for the previous semesters.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm still doing here, wish I could be back.

Really have no idea what to blog already...

So I'll stop here for now.

Till then.

nando...

2011-02-01T02:38:00.003-05:00

I type this post with mixed feelings. I am sad, disappointed, surprised, shocked, unbelieving, worried, confused, you name it. Yet there's the feeling that things will look better from now on. Before I mislead you guys to thinking this is something personal, I think it's obvious what I'm talking about.

Torres leaving Liverpool for Chelsea.

Some friends are under the delusion that Torres was the main reason for my support of the club; that's because they didn't know that the club has been in my heart ever since I can remember, ever since I was a kid. The only reason I ever watched football, ever loved it was watching the team play. I could go on about the reasons I support them.

Perhaps I have been quiet about football for some time, but it doesn't mean I support them any less. Watching games has been painful, we are not where we deserve. And yes, I say we because the 12th man to Liverpool is important, and that constitutes us fans.

You can stop reading if football doesn't interest you but I just felt I needed to get this out so I can close this chapter.

I was glad when Torres chose to come to the club over teams like ManU and Arsenal. He showed a liking and passion for playing ever since he became part of the club. He played with great passion, skill and talent. He was just great to say the least, scored many and led the club to many victories. He claimed time and again how he loved being at the club and affirmed his commitment. There were rumours of him leaving to Chelsea months ago, after Rafa left, but he chose to stay. And he did the same recently, saying he loved being here.

But suddenly, news broke out that he wanted to leave. And the reason being he wants to win trophies. Bah. You stick with the club through thick and thin, after all the club has done for you. My admiration for him is diminishing every moment. If he's not part of the club anymore, then my support ends along with his leaving. I won't wish for him to get injured, that would be just bad. Chelsea isn't really one of the clubs I abhor, there's only one really. But I'd rather see him leave to other leagues than to a rival.

To end this post I shall just say; Thanks Torres, you were a great player whom I thought had a heart and looked past trophies and personal glory more than anything else. I was terribly wrong, if you had one, you wouldn't have left the club when you were a huge part in assisting them to get back to where they are supposed to be. You couldn't even wait for the summer. I respected you, that's all gone now. I can't say I wish you well, or Chelsea even. I hope the new strikers won't end up like you. You started well for sure, but you made the wrong choice to leave. I just feel sad for you, really. You were so close to being a Liverpool legend but that's all gone now. Chelsea? Seriously. And you're no different from Ronaldo... That's really disgraceful.

Yet I'm still glad to see how Liverpool has handled all this... And I'm hoping that things will look better for them now. With the new young strikers, fingers crossed for a stronger team. Let's look past all that's happened and look forward to the future. I still smile to know that for every 'betrayer' there are even more faithful players in the club.

YNWA. That's another one of those reasons why I adore the club. It's not that bad after all.

p.s: Come to think of it, I'm not really shocked anymore, he's human after all. Which reminds me, confidence in men will only let you down.

2011-01-28T11:56:00.002-05:00

Exams are over, but I don't really feel free or anything. I guess it's probably because I wasn't stressed for it anyway, and didn't really do much studying compared to others. But nevertheless, I don't have to feel guilty anymore when I do everything else but read the books. Really, the pressure has come from all places, all but self. I guess it's good to some extent.

Overall, exams were alright. It was rather tricky but with Edexcel, you really can't tell. You think you do well, you'll be surprised with what you get and it works both ways. I'm a living proof. I don't have much plans right now. A-Levels aren't exactly done with. Final sem and it's over for good. I will be much more free this time around cause there're only 2 subjects left. Wow, that fast.

I haven't realized how fast its been.

And before I end, I'd like to address someOne, the One, who's always been there. You know, I really am at peace because of Him. No fear, no worries, no stress, it's all because of Him. Even during the papers, a calmness filled me from top to toe and even though there were parts where I wasn't sure, I still felt at peace. And it is not from me.

Thank You Lord, for Your love and grace. You truly are the difference in my life. And whatever may come, I surrender all to You.

amazing love

2011-01-27T00:50:00.006-05:00

Your love
The only one that never fails
The only one that never ends
The only one that keeps me going
The only one that makes me strong
The only one that breathes life
The only one that changes
The only one that empowers me
The only one that makes me whole
The only one I'll ever need.

What love is this?

Even if I search all the world, I will never find a love like Yours.

Every time I find myself worried, I stop and look at You, and almost immediately, the worries fade away. Because knowing that You hold me and love me, is enough. Really and truly.

1 John 4:9-1o - God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.

call

2011-01-22T09:36:00.003-05:00

Today I experienced a timely reminder of my purpose. I have found my calling. What is it exactly you ask?

If you're referring to a likely career/profession I want to pursue, its still unclear. But really, whatever it is, it's only a instrument used to fulfill my life's calling. And it is none other than to serve Him.

I know not the way, but I know who guides me. And that in itself is enough.

I'm truly amazed Lord, at Your power. How You broke my pride, showed me what You're doing and want to do. The signs that were so obvious, the unnaturally fast heartbeats, the warmth, the tears. The struggle between the flesh and the spirit and the soul torn in between.

Yet You chose to reign, You chose to rule, and as You worked in me, my soul gladly lifted up to look at You. And in You, I found my purpose. As You always have been.

I won't run away from Your call. I'll trust You, yes, I'll trust You.

The Lord is faithful, always.

questions without answers

2011-01-18T11:53:00.005-05:00

"It seems like the more I know, the less I understand."

I find it so true now.

My first paper is ~~tomorrow~~ today; it's Religious Studies. I was keen on taking the subject ever since I heard it was offered in college; c'mon, it's Methodist College. Although I couldn't take it in my first sem since no one else was taking it up, I managed to in my second sem. And I couldn't be more grateful.

My main reason for taking the subject isn't because I think I can ace it and get a free A (far from that really) but it's because I genuinely love it. What could be better than learning about Him? That's how I see it.

The main reason for this post is that I've realized how much I don't know and don't understand. And perhaps I never will.

For Unit 2, what I'm doing now, we have to choose a single topic, do our own research and produce an essay using our research material based on the prompt given during the exam. Of the 6 topics made available to us:

The Study of the New Testament
16 Religion and science
17 New Testament ethics and morality
18 Life after death
The Study of Christianity and the Christian Church
19 The development of the Church up to and including the Reformation
20 The Modern Period
21 Christian belief and practice

I chose the one in bold. Nothing captures my attention more than this and it has always been something I've often thought about. After reading all my past research materials I honestly feel quite lost. There's so many loopholes to the theories that people have conjured based on their interpretation of the Bible. Even within the Church, beliefs are divided.

But this cannot be a time for me to turn back on all that I've believed in. In fact, I'm inspired to continue in faith.

Perhaps I will post on what I've researched, to really give you guys something to think about.

Before I go I just want to say that our human mind can only understand so much; we will never be able to comprehend all that is in this life; especially when it comes to Him.

I surrender it all to You Lord, although I don't understand, I know that only You can reveal this knowledge to me. But more than anything, You desire that I continue trusting You. With this, I am at peace.

:)

as always

2011-01-16T07:24:00.002-05:00

First paper's on Wednesday. People ask me how's my revision. I dare not answer.

Have 4 papers altogether; one for each subject... 19, 24, 2 on the 28th. Then I'll be back for a week and classes commence on Feb 7th...

Anyway, to answer the question; revision has been close to zero. Somehow, the more exams I take, the more relaxed I become. January exams, I started revision 5 days before the real day; June exams I was super irregular in revision; and it was around 4 days or less I started getting serious...

Now? 3 days left and I still don't feel the pressure. And I haven't started revising either.

But then again, no point worrying. Can't get back the 'lost' time. Sorry if it sounds repetitive; I know I always say this before exams start.

I know I can't take His grace for granted. And I am well aware of the possible consequences of my lack of effort. Therefore, I shall not complain no matter what. Right now, I'll see what can be done and as usual, leave the rest to Him.

He's really all I need. One day, when my life ends, all this will mean nothing. Even right now, it doesn't really matter much to me which is why I'm so laidback about it...

But I know it's such a thin line between being calm and being complacent.. I see myself leaning more toward the latter.

Oh well... Enough said.

God bless people!

What In The World Is Going On? by Dr. David Jeremiah

2011-01-14T07:53:00.000-05:00

One day we hear of a natural disaster;

The next day we hear of oil prices escalating;

Two days later we hear of war breaking out.

In due time, one will eventually ask such a question (as in the title). This book seeks to shed light on the issues that are taking place in the world and its relevance to all that has been prophesied in the Word.

The book is nicely divided into ten chapters that cover separate issues. This makes it understandable and easy for the reader. However, the overall message of the book continues to be seen throughout in a great flow.

As mentioned earlier, this book is really for those who want to know more about the last things (eschatology) and a better understanding of issues such as the;

- The oil crisis
- The importance of Israel as God's chosen nation
- The Antichrist
- The new axis of evil

He uses a lot of references; there is no personal bias toward the subject. More importantly, he quotes a lot of Scripture and interprets the issue based on what the Word says. Prophecies by the prophets Ezekiel, Daniel, Joel (to name a few) have been comprehensively covered in view of the issue.

This book has made me realize how ignorant I have been of the things that are taking place in the world. The interest in the last things have sparked within me since finishing this book leaving me with a hunger to know and understand more. It was an interesting read from start to finish. For many people, things covered in the book might be frightful but the author remind us of the very important truths; as His people, we need not fear but live in expectancy of His coming. He exhorts us to live for Him and allow the prophecies to be a wake up call for each of us. A sub message of faith, hope and love continues throughout.

The King is coming!

A worthy read.

*I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. All opinions expressed are of my own.*

worry ?

2011-01-07T11:05:00.004-05:00

Exams are starting. I think the first paper for the juniors are on the 10th; and papers every few days from then on. My first's on the 19th.

Lots of time left la.... That's what I say to myself. But day by day, time passes and what have I done? Nothing. All my friends are stressing up cause exams are coming and they're afraid their preparation isn't sufficient (though most have been studying since the holidays began). And here I am, at 1% progress not even feeling anything. If everyone else is feeling stressed; then I must be the weird one.

My lack of concern is what scares me. Then again I realized; me worrying that I'm not worried is a worry itself. And I've always believed that worry is a lack of trust in the One above. If we know He's got it all in control; that our lives are in His hands; worry shouldn't be a constant part of our lives.

I'm just looking to Him right now. And almost immediately; my fears are dim... The Light is all I want to see.

through it all

2011-01-05T08:51:00.004-05:00

I'll sing to You Lord, a hymn of love, for Your faithfulness to me.
I'm carried in everlasting arms, You'll never let me go through it all.

5 years ago (and the years before), I was naive and not knowing much; was so carefree.

4 years ago, I ~~fell in~~ grew to love. And it was a journey downhill. To a place of pain; one I never came across before. I couldn't understand.

3 years ago, I lost the one who meant most to me. And he never came back (not in a way I had hoped it to be). But at the same time, I learned to see and appreciate the One who was always there for me.

2 years ago, by His grace and miraculous power, the healing process begun. I finally let go.

1 year ago, I began to understand and see why He allowed me to walk through the valley back then. And I can't imagine it any other way.

Now I'm here. Completely speechless at how He's carried me through. I said I couldn't, He said He could. Yes I lost him, things never were the same again. But I gained something much more instead. I would never be here if those days never came to pass. All the tears were worth it. I look at him now and smile; knowing that He was always right. He loves me, wants the best for me. I found joy when I allowed Him to take control.

Would you?

Psalm 145:18 - The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.

There is no pain without purpose. Look to Him.

the past year

2011-01-02T09:48:00.002-05:00

Wanted to do a picture post but I'm too lazy to find and upload them.

The year was great to say the least.

I'll just mark out the special highlights/events/dates of the year:

January: Edexcel exams; I remember missing Pangkor trip cause I needed to start studying (6 days before exams).

February: Orientation ball; it was okay.

March: The old CF committee stepped down; served as VP for a term (April-Oct). It was pretty demanding, but God led us through it. And of course, there was such a joy looking at the fruits of it all. It's all because of Him.

April: CF Easter Rally; it was good in its own way.

May: It was a tough period; probably the toughest in the whole year. Still it can't be compared to the pain of the previous years. God truly has brought me to a deeper level of trust and resistance.

I posted this then: Now, I'm left to recover. It will take time and I know it. But more than anything, I know who I really need. Only He can heal me of the pain I feel right now. I don't feel so bad cause I know it'll be over someday.

I am over it. The healing process came even quicker than expected, as always. He truly amazes me.

June: Exams again... And World Cup... What a bad combination. Struggled to study but by His grace, I was blessed with the results that I don't deserve.

July: Semester 3 in college started. For most of my batch mates, it would be the last but not for me. BBQ Nite/McRave was held the same month. I came as Jungle Girl/Woman/Pebbles just for laughs.

August: Phase 1 begun.

September: And it ended. CF Camp from 9-12 Sept. It was amazing. He was amazing. Though I was so caught up with planning and making sure things were running as planned; as camp commenced, I soon began to see the work He was doing and I just got blown away. I was busy in camp but He still spoke so much to me. And it was a challenge for me to grow even more. To see hearts returning to Him, hearts finding Him, hearts yearning for Him - something I wouldn't trade for. Our God truly is Love. And nearly everyone experienced Him in some way. I'm sure it was a life-changing camp for many. All glory to God.

October: October 13's the day. Phase 2 began. :). Oh and CF had High Praise on the 15th; we had practices two weeks before right up till the day. It was also amazing how God moved and worked through it all. Also made me realize things. Started attending a new church, I believe He had it all planned out, unbeknown to me

November: Turned 19; had a celeb by friends at Mid Valley. Thanks again guys. Went to Sg. Congkak with friends; it was a nice time out. Took the IELTS, got rather good results. Praise God.

December: Took the SAT and results are so-so; somewhat above average. Fell abit short of what I hoped for, but I didn't put in much effort so its already better than what I deserve. Learning to be grateful in all things. He is the giver after all. Went for Youth Camp at PD, it was also good. In the sense where God spoke and reminded me about alot of things and challenging me once again. Christmas! I was busy before it cause of applications. But this year, a new Christmas hope burned within me; that its really all about Him and how we should appreciate this gift He has given to us. And that the greatest gift we can give Him in return is really ourselves - every part of us.

I can go on and on about how much He's taught me; perhaps I will summarize it in another post.

To speak of Your faithfulness in my life; no words will ever be enough...

You are faithful; always.

amazing

2010-12-18T11:28:00.003-05:00

It's amazing how You make the wrong things right.

As simple as it sounds, that's what He does...

And I was so bent that it was that way; yet You showed me You had other things in mind... How could You not be speaking?

Camp was good to say the least. Though I was initially feeling quite lazy to go up and down for it... And not knowing what to expect either. Being new in a strange place with only few people to call friends; those fears were wiped away few hours into camp. Instead, I came back with a whole new bunch of people I dare to call family. Girls who are like sisters; guys like brothers. It's really amazing how He brings people together... But most of all; rediscovering truths about my Father. :).

I've been busy after camp; still recovering from sickness. Practices, more practices... And alongside with that are essays I have not done. o_o. I've got 5 more days or so to settle everything and send in my applications.. The enormity of the task obviously hasn't sunk in yet - or I would be freaking out. Or is the peace just too overwhelming? I always feel I'm too extreme.

I thank You for Your grace and Your strength that's been guiding me through; I haven't felt like giving up cause You were and are always sustaining me...

Ecclesiastes 12:1 - Don't let the excitement of youth cause you to forget your Creator. Honor Him in your youth before you grow old and say "Life is not pleasant anymore."

Indeed... Walk on in faith. He's got such great things in mind for us; but He requires our trust. :)

break

2010-12-10T11:41:00.004-05:00

Been working on my essays; tried to at least. Did get somewhere, not as much as I planned but still.

5 supplements, 1 and a half done.

I'm going back to KL tomorrow, joining a youth camp on Sunday to Wed. A much needed break; can't wait to see what He has for me, all He'll say to me, all He'll remind me. And other things too. For once in a long time, I have no responsibilities in camp; can finally enjoy as a normal camper.

When I'm back, it's back to applications; have to go all out.

But till then, I'm taking a break.

And I just completed The Pursuit of God by Tozer today.. Parents bought it for me when they went to the States for Sam's graduation 2 years back.. I read halfway but stopped and just took it up again recently. Christian books aren't meant to be read like a novel; gotta really read and chew on it... It's a really good read. And I've learned a whole lot... Will perhaps blog about it when I have the time.

God bless :)

This life, is all for You.

too busy to pray?

2010-12-06T08:45:00.002-05:00

Ever been too busy to pray?

Found yourself rushing through devotions before exams; when there's a pile of homework waiting, you just mutter a short prayer, maybe read a chapter or two and sleep cause you're already tired?

Do everything else, leave the last of the time you have for Him, realized you're too tired and tell God; "I'm sorry Lord, but I'll be back tomorrow, I'm too tired right now - surely You understand?"

Surely He does.

I've been guilty of this at some points of my life; maybe for the most part too. And I'm sure most of you fellow Christians know what I'm talking about.

The question is; should we go about this?

We know the answer is no, but there's just so much to do, right? How does one ever find the time?

Just this past week, before the SAT exam, I was 'busy'.. Not exactly studying, maybe a little, I was just busy. I did my devotions but I rushed through them, leaving it for the last. I thought it'd be okay.

On Saturday night, as I was doing my devotion, I suddenly felt so far from Him - I felt as if I've lost the fellowship with Him. I felt sad to know that the more time I spent apart from Him, the bigger the gap was between us. I knew He was there, but I couldn't feel it. It scared me... And then I realized that our busyness and preoccupations can make us blind to our spiritual condition. We no longer realize that we are empty, we have no joy simply because we do not spend time fellowshipping with Him.

No activity can replace our need to dwell in His presence, not even church activities. We cannot grow if there is no sacrifice on our part. And part of this sacrifice involves our time.

We profess that we love Him week in and week out, yet never really giving Him the time He deserves? It's not that we have to be praying every moment. There isn't even a specific length of time or formula that makes up for our devotion. But simply being conscious of Him each and every moment. And finding our fulfillment, strength just being with Him and not just muttering a prayer or two. Not rushing through devotion so we can spend time doing anything else... For He looks at the heart.

Any time we find ourselves too busy for Him - it's when we really need to stop and ask ourselves what we're doing...

He created us, for His pleasure. He gave us all, He deserves our all.

And to end the story, He reminded me once again, of His never ending grace; He will always take us back no matter what. Isn't it just beautiful?

James 4:8 - Come close to God and God will come close to You.

Lamentations 3: 22 - 25 - The LORD’S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I have hope in Him.” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the person who seeks Him.

2010-12-06T01:51:00.002-05:00

Took the SAT on Saturday. It was tough, as always. Obviously one can't really do much within a week.

But it was a good experience nevertheless. I don't recall any exam that really had me rushing through every question with no spare time to check. And because every wrong multiple choice answer will deduct a quarter mark from your score, I left some blank; really couldn't shoot at all. The answers were too close. Haha

Now that it's over, I can finally start working on my application essay and college supplements. More work... I hope to send everything by the 23rd. Really have to rush now.

And Christmas is coming. :).

Will update more later. Till then!

frivolous

2010-11-30T11:30:00.002-05:00

They say college applications will drive you mad to the point where you feel like pulling out all your hair.

I've got less than a month to complete everything and no I haven't reached that stage yet.

Progress = 30%

Frivolous' the word for me.

I'm taking the SAT on Saturday; already planned it some time ago, at least 2 months ago but look at how much time I have left now. Procrastination - I really have nothing to say. Only have myself to blame. But then again, no point regretting now. I'll try to make the most out of these few days left.

When my mum's friend heard I was going to prepare for the SATs in a week; she was shocked; "Is that even possible? I thought it'd take months to be ready."

If I can break 2000, it'd be a miracle. There's only so much one can do, right.

Exams are in January but I have to set it aside for now; at least till applications are done with.

And just a reminder; life is short, it really is.

It hurts to see the ones you love suffer. It often makes you question the One above...

But I choose to believe; everything happens for a reason. I know it to be true.

I echo Job's words... "I know that You can do all things, & that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted"

For that reason, I am secure. :)

you won't know

2010-11-26T12:51:00.003-05:00

You are gone before I had the chance to say it,

You are gone before I said its you I miss,

You are gone before I got the chance and I know it's time to let go.

I really don't know what to say. I don't know what to feel either.

It's kinda sad to see that things have become like this; just before you had to leave.

We were always close, without a care, we were different. No matter what people said, we knew what we were. And I was happy while you were around. You were nothing more than a close friend.

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt

Then I don't know what happened; and I'm left wondering why. It's unfair to you, and it hurts me too. But we're still acting as if nothing's wrong; you don't even know that I know. And there's no way I can ever say I knew.

I thought I could tell you what you mean to me, but things will just get more complicated and I can't risk that.

I have enough complications in my life.

Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

So this is where it ends. I'm really sorry.

I have to let this go; let you go.

I wish we could go back to those days... But that will never happen.

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me

It's time.

Goodbye.

2010-11-26T10:43:00.000-05:00

I'm back home. Today was the last day of the 3rd semester; it's been a good one. Compared to the previous two, it was just different. New lessons, new experiences, new friendships, new problems. Strengthening of ties, moments of realization - it all came. I'll blog more about this another time.

Lots of things to do now; besides the usual.

God bless!

2010-11-24T09:50:00.004-05:00

Coursework's been FINALLY handed in. Really such a relief.

Will be going back on Friday.

2 more days to spend with my July peeps (Science and few of the Arts people)

It's really sad just thinking about it.

But I always knew the time will come. We all do.

Gone

2010-11-24T09:37:00.003-05:00

The song I wrote with Vicki; the lines in italic are the ones I wrote, just to distinguish. :)

Gone

I can’t believe how I just let you go

I didn’t know when it started to grow

These feelings left inside are hurting so

I always showed that you weren’t even close

Just when I realized what you mean to me

* You’ll be gone before I get the chance to say this

You’ll be gone long before I say it’s you I miss

You’ll be gone before I get the chance though I know it’s time to let go

To let go

It was a Friday when you came to me

Just like a dream that I couldn’t see

And then I think about the days where you

Would comfort me and let me be

And when I realized what you mean to me

There’s no point dancing my fingers on ivory anymore

Cause you are the life of my melody

So now the time has come for you to leave; before you go

There is just one thing you need to know…

The song personally means alot to me, just felt like saying that...

gone - music video

2010-11-19T08:03:00.002-05:00

I posted this on FB, but I'll put it here anyway.

So college had a music video competition organized by the Sessions Club. We had to submit our video this past Monday and today was the event where we watched the videos and the winners were chosen etc.

I simply put my name in for fun not thinking about what to do. Winner would get prize money but that wasn't even in my mind; competition was too tough. Got Vicki in with me and we decided to do an original song since it bears more marks; she had a chorus so I took it and added the remaining parts; then we wrote the bridge as well. She came over my place during the weekend and we barely slept; editing the video and all.

Anyway, it turns out pretty okay and by God's grace we came in 2nd place. Really unexpected; the other entries were good as well. Kenneth came in 1st; good for him. I owe it to my awesome batch mates who supported us all the way. Though our batch is the smallest; they came and cheered the most.

And the song really means a lot to me; I shall not go on about it.

Credits to Mei Xian and Isaac for being our actors and all the rest who came in as well.

Thank God for everything.

And thank you.

the end

2010-11-17T09:59:00.002-05:00

So there's exactly a week left; not counting the next two days for the Science people in college. At this moment, I feel grateful that I still have another semester to go; I'm definitely not ready to leave yet.

But at the same time, with 3/4 of my friends leaving; college won't be the same. I'll save this for next time. I just want to say that it'll be hard to see them leave, especially those I'm close to.

We live in a world that is constantly moving fast; change comes; people come and go; some you will never meet again.

And He reminded me that when everything fades; when everyone leaves.

He remains...

How comforting...

He's enough for me.

the love that you've been looking for

2010-11-15T10:24:00.002-05:00

I always loved this song and somehow I felt that even though the band who sang it (98 Degrees) weren't Christian the lyrics can speak about His love.

And I just found out that it was in the album for Music Inspired By Jesus the Epic Mini-Series; no wonder... It was about His love after all.

Do read on to be inspired and refreshed by the truth of His love..

Lonely, that's not how we're meant to be
But looking in your eyes I see
A heart that was abandoned
By a world that used to show you love
You feel like you're the only one
Whose day begins without the sun
You're left to turn and face it all alone

Well, I know sometimes it seems as if
fate has done you wrong
But if you look inside your heart
you'll find the strength to carry on

You've got to leave it all behind you
Break through those lonely chains that bind you
'Cause love's not far away, it's gonna find your heart someday
And when you feel it's warmth surround you
You'll realize that love has found you
So turn away your fears
'Cause the love that you've been looking for is here

Suddenly, your broken heart begins to see
a love that lasts eternally
Just look ahead and never ever let a single tear drop from your eye
It breaks my heart to see you cry
The pain that haunts you every night
Because of all the emptiness inside

Well, I know sometimes it seems as if your heart is caving in
But if we look inside the soul we'll find the love we have within

I know sometimes when things go wrong
You search for strength carry on
But all we need to take control
Is the love within my soul
'Cause you know that love will find a way
To reach your heart again someday
You must believe it's true
Now all you have to do

late 19

2010-11-15T09:54:00.004-05:00

Group picture at MidValley. (Some left earlier)

So my 19th was great to say the least. :)

Basically, we went there after the Science students finished their paper. Had lunch then went to play bowling though not everyone played. It was fun I guess. So halfway through, they started singing the birthday song and one of them brought a danish pastry that was supposed to be my cake.. I saw the trick before. Hah. Anyway, I accepted it gracefully, blew the miserable candle and ate the pastry. Then some time later the real thing came in. Guys, it's getting old.. But thanks nevertheless. I honestly didn't expect anything at all especially since exams were still on that day.

Anyway, thanks to all who wished me. FB was really flooded with wall posts. Thanks all again!

These 19 years have been a ride. Grateful for such wonderful parents; best gift ever.. Amazing brothers and awesome friends.

But more than anyone else, I want to thank You; for guiding me through all these years. I cannot remember a time without You; don't ever want that to come. Your faithfulness and love amazes me. I'm excited to walk on this journey with You... You're truly what life is all about.

2010-11-08T08:56:00.004-05:00

Ipoh was great to say the least; eat, sleep, eat sleep...

Back to normalcy once again. 3 weeks left till college ends for the semester. Science students are leaving though. :/

I still have a birthday post coming up... (more like a reminder to self)

I have alot of things to update but I barely have the time

It's gonna be a really busy month; probably the busiest?

I got my Psychology paper today; the one I took after passing out; and by God's grace; there is no other reason; I fared pretty well. I really don't deserve it; wasn't really prepared but I'm just really amazed at what He does... Praise God anyway; all glory to Him.

Signed up for the SATs in Dec; less than a month left to the day; ALOT to work on. Taking IELTS on the 20th. Basically it's all about applications.

Need to finish coursework by Friday; the final draft... His strength shall sustain me, as always.

I am comforted...

I think being busy isn't such a bad thing; it helps me keep my mind off things... 13/10.. That's where it started - again. Okay you're not supposed to get this.

God bless!!

Will update more when I have the time.

scare

2010-11-02T10:19:00.003-04:00

Turned 19 yesterday; more bout it later..

So last night, I skipped dinner cause I was too lazy to go out and I didn't want to cook so I just drank some oats. Had my last paper for trials this morning.. I decided to leave earlier so I can eat in McD before going to college and I was quite late already so I took the taxi to the LRT station instead; I usually go to the bus hub. Then I got on the LRT was listening to songs and leaning against the edge and suddenly I felt this pain in my stomach; I was praying for it to go away and the next thing I know, I was hearing distant voices. Then I realized I was actually on the floor and people helped me up to sit. It took me awhile before I regained full consciousness; I was still dizzy and all. The lady who was talking to me told me I fainted for a few seconds and asked me what happened. So I told her; she asked me to see a doctor in case its anything serious. I haven't fainted for a long time; this is the third time in my life; last time was when I was in Form 1..

Went to McD; ate 3/4 and couldn't finish; rushed to the loo cause I suddenly felt like throwing up. After that I felt much, much better... Paper was in half an hour from then. Thank God I was fine by then and managed to sit through it.

I just really want to thank God for being there with me. I felt really sick and by His mercy and grace, He healed me. Marian said I was really pale when she saw me after my paper; thought I was going to pass out but I was alright by then.. I guess I'm alright now..

Thanks Marian for the 'honey' and following me to get my stuff.. Thanks to everyone else who were concerned...

You are my Healer...

p.s: will sleep early tonight though there are a 1001 things to do. the real work only begins after trials.. going back home tomorrow; yes again. :)

2010-10-29T12:31:00.003-04:00

Really brief one for now.

Ipoh's been good. Great, in fact.

Phone's been fixed; some buttons were spoilt since July.

Thank You Lord for everything...

I am blessed indeed.

Still unsure about certain things..

I choose to trust; there's really nothing else I can do.

You allowed this; I will not complain but embrace all You have for me.

We're always asking Him what we should do; but you know sometimes for certain things I think He really wants us to just decide on our own.

He guides me, through every step of the way.

I'm comforted.

Loves

Proverbs 19:21 - Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

thoughts

2010-10-25T09:17:00.003-04:00

Trials start tomorrow; two papers and I'm going back right after that.

I'm not really prepared... But then again, too late to regret or anything.

I'm not worried bout the exams; it's other things that are bothering me...

Possibilities; they hurt.

Because the more you think about it; the more you realize it might just be you; it's not real. And you're brought back to reality.

I really can't tell what's going on. As much as I hope; I know that there's a large chance I'm going to end up being disappointed again.

There's really nothing else I can do but trust. Yet I'm grateful for all that's happened. I really couldn't have asked for more.. Thank You Lord for allowing me to be happy... And though pain is not too far away; I ask for Your strength to guide me through these times...

Psalm 73:26 - My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.

You're all I need.

love

2010-10-24T09:29:00.002-04:00

God isn't just loving; He is Love.

How often we forget the simple truth; that He loves us.

His love completes us. It's beautiful.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love." No one on earth will ever be able to say such a thing because simply put; no one has the full capacity to love unconditionally; eternally... But there is One who does.

Take some time to just ponder on what it really means; to be loved by Him...

Truly, the more we understand His love; the more we are changed.

Psalm 33:22 - Let Your unfailing love surround us Lord, for our hope is in You alone

When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

He loves us. :)

my source of strength

2010-10-20T11:23:00.004-04:00

I'm done with my coursework; just the conclusion left but it will suffice for now till trials are over.

Kinda relieved but I know there's ALOT of editing and rewriting to be done cause I would admit that I didn't put much effort into it; it's not the best I can come up with; haven't read that much either to put together something really great. That's exactly how I felt for my previous coursework folder but somehow it fared well. This time however, is a different story. Oh, well, at least there's still time to edit.

I'm just so amazed to see how He's carried me through this. I literally had to force myself to write on Sunday; cause my whole Saturday was spent doing nothing productive; aside from going to church. Planned to write 700-800 words; ended up writing 900. I prayed for His strength and He did grant me what I requested. Today, I had to write my last paragraph and expected to finish in at least 3 hours; I'm an hour ahead of schedule... Thank You Lord. :)

Trials are coming up next week; Tuesday's my first two papers then I can go home for a few days till the next paper. Although I don't think it'd be such a good idea cause I end up sleeping most of the time. So, those in Ipoh, please remind me to study. Hah.

And as always I haven't started studying. I'll try to start tomorrow... I amuse myself.

Oh today's 20.10.2010; didn't realize it till just now. I recall exactly what happened 1 year ago; perhaps some of you might know it... Alot has changed since then; and of course the wounds have healed; His love did it.

great

2010-10-16T11:58:00.000-04:00

The week has been a great one to say the least. High Praise was on Friday; the events that led to it were uncalled for; problems arose and for a moment it seemed as if it wasn't going to go well; but God is so much greater than we know and at the end of the day, I learnt that when we give it all to Him, He blesses us tremendously.

I have alot to say about it; how He came and touched me personally when I really needed His strength and comfort prior to the event. But this would suffice for now.

I've also stepped down as V.P for CF, it's been a year serving in the CF committee, half a year as vp; it's been a humbling and great journey. I will also post the things in which I've learnt from serving...

A few events during the week have particularly cheered me; which I will not mention. I have to say I am really surprised they took place after all... And I thank God for the wonderful opportunities; never would've imagined it... I am blessed indeed.

I am happy; His joy fills me.. :)

Right now, I just wanna thank Him for everything. For showering me with love each and everyday..

Psalm 16:8 - I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

testimony of grace

2010-10-13T11:00:00.002-04:00

I just had to share this. God is so REAL.

This morning when I was going out of the house (condo) to go to college, I was gonna wear my sport shoes on and then I realized - it was gone... I always put it beside the cupboard. So I texted Joyce, who I'm staying with and asked if she saw it; she said she saw it last night; we assumed it was stolen... There could be no other reason for the shoes to be gone. It's within reach from the grill door. But who would want to steal shoes??? Oh well.

I didn't really feel angry anything (what for..); just sad that I have to burden my parents to get me another pair; so I prayed that by some way the shoes would be returned but I didn't have high hopes on it...

When I came back just now; the shoes weren't there of course... But before I went inside, I had a prompting to check the fire exit... I ignored it at first but then I thought; what if its the Spirit? At the same time I was doubting that anything will happen... I still went and true enough my shoes were there... I was really, really amazed and grateful.. God You amuse me...

Isn't it amazing how He works? How He speaks? It's through these little things that proves His very existence, His love and grace... I did think of it; even if I didn't find my shoes; I have no reason to complain. For every trouble/problem is an opportunity to experience His grace, to trust in Him.. To hold on to Him. To forgive, to exercise patience; the list will go on and on...

It's a good day.. Thank You Lord... :)

Your love takes my breath away.

2010-10-12T10:31:00.002-04:00

I've found a new joy in His presence, new joy in being with Him everyday. No wonder I've been so empty; I haven't been coming to Him enough. There's been so many distractions in my life; so many unnecessary things.. Trying to cut down on my time online; I'm limiting myself now... It's not exactly a really hard thing to do to be honest... I just realized how much time I've wasted; guilty...

I am really tired right now; physically.. The past weeks have been tiring (particularly last week) and this week is packed with long college hours and practices; it's a joy though... Assignments piling up, coursework left unattended; applications not started on, trials coming up... the list will go on. Yet I'm not moved; I'm not afraid. For He is with me, He is my strength and He will never fail.

Just a few insights;

1. The knowledge and a deeper understanding of His love will change us if we open up our hearts... It is impossible not to be changed when we realize how much He's given to us...

2. Living a life apart from Him is meaningless; worldly pursuits fade in time. (more on this later)

3. Everything will fade away; He alone shall remain.. That in itself is such an amazing thing..

4. Rest is not something He gives; it is in Him we find rest; not a thing to be taken apart.

5. Being still requires us to just be quiet; not to ask Him anything; not to utter anything; but just waiting upon Him.

6. The closer we get to Him; the more we grow in our relationship with Him; the lesser our desire will be for the things of the world...

Indeed, You are all I need in this life.

his love

2010-10-05T12:17:00.003-04:00

Ephesians 3:18-19 - And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep, his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Just last Monday, I was in the train back to KL in the morning. And when I closed my eyes, I suddenly saw a mental picture; it was a picture of a cup and a HUGE container. I couldn't see how big the container was, but it seemed to have no end to its size. I began to think what it could possibly mean and as I continued to ponder, I felt the Lord was reminding me of His love.

The cup represents our lives and the container represents all that is of Him; His love. Every day, we must come to Him with our cup that can only contain small portions. The container has no limit in size, just like how His love is.. He wants to fill our cups daily, with the knowledge and experience of His love. And as we faithfully come to Him with our cup, He will fill it more and more each day. But it doesn't stop here, we should not be content with just being 'full' but for our cup to overflow continually. David said "my cup overflows, surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life"Indeed, it is when our cup overflows that His love will begin to permeate each and every area of our lives, and eventually, His love will be too much to contain that we begin to "overflow" into the lives of those around us.

Can there be anything greater than knowing how much He loves you?

You can search the whole world and you will never find greater love than this.

Yet aren't we always guilty of searching for other loves? I myself would admit that I often forget that it is in His love I am made complete - He is more than enough for me.

The knowledge and understanding of His love transforms us - as we open up our hearts... Never be content, never be satisfied...

Indeed, His love knows no bounds.