all or nothing
How would you know when your heart is healed? Even if it were healed completely; there'd still be scars to remind you. Maybe we shouldn't try to run away from the pain; but face it.
6 weeks have passed; I guess it's healing; but the scar still remains.
I never tried to run away. I only prayed for sufficient strength to carry through. But it was through the tears and moments where I felt helpless; I felt His arms around me; comforting and reminding me of His everlasting love that will never fail. This emptiness inside can only be filled by His love. That, I didn't forget.
It ended; before it even started; I lost a battle I never was a part of. It hurt me to think of the endless possibilities; of what could've been, what should've been; what would've been. I was glad to know that I was on the right track. Give it some time. And then everything fell apart. It wasn't easy to deal with the pain of shattered hopes. I wondered why it hurt so much. Now I understand.
It doesn't hurt as much anymore. But I know I've got a long way to go before
you slip out of my life. I'm still holding on to the memories; it's the only thing I've got. Sometimes I still do wish things had been different... Sometimes I still hope for that one in a million chance. It pains me when they say it's not worth it. What do they know? Am I supposed to act like it doesn't affect me when deep inside; it's hurting so badly? Am I supposed to rejoice when I hear all the stories that give me good reason not to be affected?
Of late; I've been trying to keep myself busy. Reading; watching shows; doing this and that.. Have I been trying so hard to keep it out of my mind? Cause I've realized; when I turn off the lights; it's
you I think about.
I know I could say we're throughAnd tell myself I'm over youBut even if I made a vowI promise not to miss you nowAnd try to hide the truth insideI'd fail cause I, I just can't live a lieYou're my Healer.
Labels: feelings
She thanks her Jesus at 10:25 PM
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
weighed down
Haven't blogged for a few days though I had so much time at hand. Anyway, it's been a cycle for the past few days. Reading too; and no not anything to do with the subjects I have to study for.. But reading would help improve my language so it's not really a waste of time either. Right.
Went to watch New Moon alone yesterday; cousins and aunt went to watch 2012 and I already watched it so I went for something else at the same time. It was quite nice; for me at least. You don't and shouldn't expect book adaptation movies to stay real close to the book; you won't complain too much. Unless you simply hate the movie. Hah.
Will be going to Teluk Intan with my mum and John tomorrow. Just for a night; and of course lots of food. If I had lived there all my life; I would be obese right now. Speaking about weight; I used to be underweight; 1 year ago maybe... But I'm normal now. =D. For the past few months I've been hearing comments like "You're putting on weight!" "You're not skinny anymore." You look much better now." Heh.
Gonna watch a movie now. Till then.
I.R.M.Y
Labels: random updates
She thanks her Jesus at 9:33 PM
Friday, November 27, 2009
plans - don't aim too high
So I'm back in Ipoh for around two months. Though I have to go back to KL on and off in January for my exams. 4 papers in 3 days - 12th, 13th and 18th. Just came back yesterday night. I remember I made a list of things to do during the post-SPM break. This is exactly what I planned:
1. As I mentioned earlier, Exercise. Take up a sport and play regularly.
(FAILED)2. Read some of the books I have at home and maybe get some more.
(FAILED)3. Watch all the movies I want to. (CAN NEVER BE FULLY ACCOMPLISHED)
4.
Eat. Regain whatever piano knowledge/'skills' I used to have. I dropped piano when I was 11. So yeah. Just hope to learn up some songs =). (IN THE PROCESS)
5. Brush up on guitar. (NO COMMENT)
6. Go on Holiday. Cherating (next week), Singapore, Sydney (hopefully). (Went everywhere except for Sydney)
7. Do some research on the subjects I'll be taking for A-Levels.
(FAILED)8. Start learning up the basics of Nihongo (Jap language). (FAILED but it no longer matters)
9. Earn some money. Currently am working part-time. Yet to mention about it. (SPENT IT ALL)
10.
Soul-searching. Heh. Spend quality time with friends. (Somewhat accomplished)
This time, I've decided to change the list to something much less, something more specific and can be accomplished if I actually work towards it.
1. Study. The holidays aren't really holidays; it's more like a long study break. Been slacking way too much; but I've got to start some serious work.
2. Read To Kill A Mockingbird. I've got the book but haven't gotten down to it yet. Also; need to read my Literature texts again; Wuthering Heights and The Scarlet Letter - awesome books!
3. Do WiiFit at least once a week.
4. Catch up with close friends.
5. *edit* Need to drive more. Haven't drove much ever since I got my license. And I'll try to drive much faster. LOL. Who dares to sit?
So there. I'll blog about my first semester in college another time. I'm missing some of my friends already. Hah.
Labels: holiday plans
She thanks her Jesus at 8:38 PM
Thursday, November 26, 2009
break out
Last day of college
tomorrow today. I nearly forgot that it's past 12 already. Honestly, as much as I'd want to be back at home, I don't really want to leave. First semester of college has been fun; will blog about this another time. Anyway, had classes on as usual yesterday (Wed); though it was only till 12. It was Parent-Lecturer Conference from 12-3.30 so at 12, I met my mum in Sentral; she took the train down; and brought her to eat the Pan Mee near college and then we met each lecturer individually. Generally; it was all good reports. I can feel high expectations from my lecturers especially Lit and my parents think that I could do well too. I'm not really sure. But I guess what mum said was right; when you put God first in your life; you'll see how He takes care of every aspect of your life. Honour Him and He will honour you. But of course, you've got to do your part too.
My problem is I don't put in enough effort; I know that but still it's tough to break out of this attitude. Yet I don't think it's fair for me to waste all the 'potential' I have. I might not be as smart as those geniuses out there. I know I don't have Sam's intelligence; but I'm not too bad; I just need to put in more effort and kick this lazy attitude out. It won't be easy but it's still possible.
I told myself I would study consistently before A-Levels even begun; I'm so far from that. It's not too late I guess? There'll be plenty of distractions at home. I need constant reminders; more motivation to stop wasting so much time and get down to some serious work. And hopefully I'll get those 4 A's. Relying on His strength. I can't do anything alone.
My dad and John will be coming down tomorrow morning; then we'll be heading back home in the afternoon. Can't wait. =). I'd better go and continue packing. -out-
Before it ends, I have to talk to you.
She thanks her Jesus at 12:22 AM
Sunday, November 22, 2009
aches
My muscles are aching all over. But I actually like the feeling. Hah. I think it's been a long time since I actually ran around and exercised. Apart from the fact that I walk a pretty good distance everyday ever since coming here, I'm not the type who exercises. Maybe all the running around, rides and games yesterday has worn me out. I've been tripping especially more the past week; no idea why. My friends counted; 6 times on Thursday and 5 yesterday. Don't ask me why; I absolutely have no clue. But it's not that bad; not everyone knows about it. I still appear graceful to many people. =D.
This week will be the last week of college for the semester. Well of course it's not really over cause first semester A-Level exams are only in January but it's the last week of official classes. Will blog about this later on.
Anyway, as I mentioned, my business class had a party on Thursday evening; our lecturer isn't gonna teach us for the next semester so yeah.. =(. The party started at 6; started eating at 6.30. Then at 7smtg the non-business people came. We had room and enough food for more, so we invited some of those who stayed at the college accommodation; since our party was held at one of our friend's place there. 9 out of 12 of us from the class came (including Mr. John); and there were 8 others who came. Food was more than enough. 6 Large Pizzas, sausages, nuggets, drummets, shepherd's pie, punch, brownies, coconut jelly, konyaku jelly, Kit Kats; that's about all. Oh and there was ice-cream at the end for few of us who stayed on. We bought a watermelon too but completely forgot about it. We played a few games; charades (which I moderated), blanket-name game, Empire (nickname game), bing bang wa, mafia. I think that was all. It occupied the night. Some left early; most left at 9something. Only few of us stayed on till 10.15. Still pretty early la; but like for me, I was out the whole day so it was considered pretty late. Mr. John dropped me off at Sentral since it was rather dangerous to walk there at night. I did enjoy myself; I think most of us did. Though some people weren't in the mood prior to the party; I think they enjoyed themselves too?
They said this looked like a movie poster. Wonder what the title would be. LOL.
Till then! God bless.
They try to pull me away, but they don't know the truth.Labels: daily life, events
She thanks her Jesus at 10:59 PM
Saturday, November 21, 2009
fun
Physically, mentally and emotionally tired. Though it's more of the former. Went to Sunway Lagoon with Wei Han, Vincent and Joon Sung today. Spent around 5 hours there. Reached at 11 and we were there till 4. The roller coaster wasn't as scary as the Pirate Ship thing and the Tomahawk. When we sat on the Pirate Ship; we were in the middle opposite this group of Malays. They were screaming as much as the guys were. I couldn't shout much; my stomach was too painful cause I was laughing nearly the whole time and it hurt. And towards the end one of the Malay guys said 'nak terkencing.' LOL. I don't think I'd ever forget the feeling. We went to the Water Park later on and because I led the way; the poor guys had to follow me up and down the 3 flights of escalators cause I obviously didn't really know where I was going. We were chilling out at the swimming pool and suddenly some people set up a Water Polo goal at the side of the pool and there was a random ball too. So we just played with some other people for quite awhile. We kinda made friends with this guy from Saudi Arabia and we said bye to him before we left. And there was this other guy who was playing with us and he was a real pro; told us to go to the Surfing Pool at 3 smtg to play the hamster ball thing. So we went to that pool and played that; it was quite hard to keep up with the pace the ball was rolling. Then later we met the guy from Saudi Arabia again; he asked us to join him to play beach soccer so we did. That guy; his kid brother and Joon Sung vs Vincent, Wei Han and me. I was in room for embarassment. I like football but I know I can't exactly play it. So I chose to be the goalie and that guy said I was pretty good cause out of around 15 shots; I only let in one. Not so bad after all. Hah. We told him we had to go after that. Oh and we saw the Pink Duck; new mascot I think. It was so... gay... The way it walked and waved.
By the time we washed up it was already 4.30. Went to Pyramid for our lunch/dinner. Ended up eating at Hartz Chicken Buffet. 24 bucks per person after tax. There was a reasonable variety of food but quality wise it wasn't so good except for the fried chicken. Wouldn't go there again though. We got back to the Subang KTM station by bus at 7.45, missed the train by a few minutes; had to wait for another half an hour. By the time I reached home it was already 9.40. Thank God for the good weather today; since it's been raining nearly everyday we thought it might rain today. It wasn't hot; and there was only abit of drizzle in the afternoon but after praying it stopped. You might say it's a coincidence; but I don't think so. I managed to get my mind off alot of things thanks to my 3 great friends. It was time well spent. Most of the other college mates were either having their IELTS exam in college or in Genting.
I just realized; it's been a month already. Looks like it's gonna take longer than I thought. Trusting Him.
Labels: updates
She thanks her Jesus at 11:06 PM
Friday, November 20, 2009
i can't help it
Really tired right now. Had a long day. Was out since 7 and came back at 11.15. Was supposed to be back by 4.30; but our business class had a party at Ranita's place at 6 onwards. The last few of us left at 10.30. Will blog about it tomorrow; going to sleep soon.
If
this had happened a month ago, I would've been overjoyed. But now, I feel stupid even to rejoice over it. I need to keep reminding myself of the fact; that it's not the same anymore. It can't; it won't; and it's not because you don't want it; you just can't. Maybe it'll make me feel better if I think of it this way. But would things have been different? Still, IMY.
You're more than enough.
She thanks her Jesus at 12:15 AM
They said this looked like a movie poster. Wonder what the title would be. LOL.
