worry ?

Exams are starting. I think the first paper for the juniors are on the 10th; and papers every few days from then on. My first's on the 19th.

Lots of time left la.... That's what I say to myself. But day by day, time passes and what have I done? Nothing. All my friends are stressing up cause exams are coming and they're afraid their preparation isn't sufficient (though most have been studying since the holidays began). And here I am, at 1% progress not even feeling anything. If everyone else is feeling stressed; then I must be the weird one.

My lack of concern is what scares me. Then again I realized; me worrying that I'm not worried is a worry itself. And I've always believed that worry is a lack of trust in the One above. If we know He's got it all in control; that our lives are in His hands; worry shouldn't be a constant part of our lives.

I'm just looking to Him right now. And almost immediately; my fears are dim... The Light is all I want to see.

through it all

I'll sing to You Lord, a hymn of love, for Your faithfulness to me.
I'm carried in everlasting arms, You'll never let me go through it all.

5 years ago (and the years before), I was naive and not knowing much; was so carefree.

4 years ago, I fell in grew to love. And it was a journey downhill. To a place of pain; one I never came across before. I couldn't understand.

3 years ago, I lost the one who meant most to me. And he never came back (not in a way I had hoped it to be). But at the same time, I learned to see and appreciate the One who was always there for me.

2 years ago, by His grace and miraculous power, the healing process begun. I finally let go.

1 year ago, I began to understand and see why He allowed me to walk through the valley back then. And I can't imagine it any other way.

Now I'm here. Completely speechless at how He's carried me through. I said I couldn't, He said He could. Yes I lost him, things never were the same again. But I gained something much more instead. I would never be here if those days never came to pass. All the tears were worth it. I look at him now and smile; knowing that He was always right. He loves me, wants the best for me. I found joy when I allowed Him to take control.

Would you?

Psalm 145:18 - The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.

There is no pain without purpose. Look to Him.

the past year

Wanted to do a picture post but I'm too lazy to find and upload them.

The year was great to say the least.

I'll just mark out the special highlights/events/dates of the year:

January: Edexcel exams; I remember missing Pangkor trip cause I needed to start studying (6 days before exams).

February: Orientation ball; it was okay.

March: The old CF committee stepped down; served as VP for a term (April-Oct). It was pretty demanding, but God led us through it. And of course, there was such a joy looking at the fruits of it all. It's all because of Him.

April: CF Easter Rally; it was good in its own way.

May: It was a tough period; probably the toughest in the whole year. Still it can't be compared to the pain of the previous years. God truly has brought me to a deeper level of trust and resistance.

I posted this then: Now, I'm left to recover. It will take time and I know it. But more than anything, I know who I really need. Only He can heal me of the pain I feel right now. I don't feel so bad cause I know it'll be over someday.

I am over it. The healing process came even quicker than expected, as always. He truly amazes me.

June: Exams again... And World Cup... What a bad combination. Struggled to study but by His grace, I was blessed with the results that I don't deserve.

July: Semester 3 in college started. For most of my batch mates, it would be the last but not for me. BBQ Nite/McRave was held the same month. I came as Jungle Girl/Woman/Pebbles just for laughs.

August: Phase 1 begun.

September: And it ended. CF Camp from 9-12 Sept. It was amazing. He was amazing. Though I was so caught up with planning and making sure things were running as planned; as camp commenced, I soon began to see the work He was doing and I just got blown away. I was busy in camp but He still spoke so much to me. And it was a challenge for me to grow even more. To see hearts returning to Him, hearts finding Him, hearts yearning for Him - something I wouldn't trade for. Our God truly is Love. And nearly everyone experienced Him in some way. I'm sure it was a life-changing camp for many. All glory to God.

October: October 13's the day. Phase 2 began. :). Oh and CF had High Praise on the 15th; we had practices two weeks before right up till the day. It was also amazing how God moved and worked through it all. Also made me realize things. Started attending a new church, I believe He had it all planned out, unbeknown to me

November: Turned 19; had a celeb by friends at Mid Valley. Thanks again guys. Went to Sg. Congkak with friends; it was a nice time out. Took the IELTS, got rather good results. Praise God.

December: Took the SAT and results are so-so; somewhat above average. Fell abit short of what I hoped for, but I didn't put in much effort so its already better than what I deserve. Learning to be grateful in all things. He is the giver after all. Went for Youth Camp at PD, it was also good. In the sense where God spoke and reminded me about alot of things and challenging me once again. Christmas! I was busy before it cause of applications. But this year, a new Christmas hope burned within me; that its really all about Him and how we should appreciate this gift He has given to us. And that the greatest gift we can give Him in return is really ourselves - every part of us.

I can go on and on about how much He's taught me; perhaps I will summarize it in another post.

To speak of Your faithfulness in my life; no words will ever be enough...

You are faithful; always.

amazing

It's amazing how You make the wrong things right.

As simple as it sounds, that's what He does...

And I was so bent that it was that way; yet You showed me You had other things in mind... How could You not be speaking?

Camp was good to say the least. Though I was initially feeling quite lazy to go up and down for it... And not knowing what to expect either. Being new in a strange place with only few people to call friends; those fears were wiped away few hours into camp. Instead, I came back with a whole new bunch of people I dare to call family. Girls who are like sisters; guys like brothers. It's really amazing how He brings people together... But most of all; rediscovering truths about my Father. :).

I've been busy after camp; still recovering from sickness. Practices, more practices... And alongside with that are essays I have not done. o_o. I've got 5 more days or so to settle everything and send in my applications.. The enormity of the task obviously hasn't sunk in yet - or I would be freaking out. Or is the peace just too overwhelming? I always feel I'm too extreme. 

I thank You for Your grace and Your strength that's been guiding me through; I haven't felt like giving up cause You were and are always sustaining me... 

Ecclesiastes 12:1 - Don't let the excitement of youth cause you to forget your Creator. Honor Him in your youth before you grow old and say "Life is not pleasant anymore."

Indeed... Walk on in faith. He's got such great things in mind for us; but He requires our trust. :)

break

Been working on my essays; tried to at least. Did get somewhere, not as much as I planned but still. 

5 supplements, 1 and a half done. 

I'm going back to KL tomorrow, joining a youth camp on Sunday to Wed. A much needed break; can't wait to see what He has for me, all He'll say to me, all He'll remind me. And other things too. For once in a long time, I have no responsibilities in camp; can finally enjoy as a normal camper. 

When I'm back, it's back to applications; have to go all out. 

But till then, I'm taking a break. 

And I just completed The Pursuit of God by Tozer today.. Parents bought it for me when they went to the States for Sam's graduation 2 years back.. I read halfway but stopped and just took it up again recently. Christian books aren't meant to be read like a novel; gotta really read and chew on it... It's a really good read. And I've learned a whole lot... Will perhaps blog about it when I have the time. 

God bless :)

This life, is all for You. 

too busy to pray?

Ever been too busy to pray?

Found yourself rushing through devotions before exams; when there's a pile of homework waiting, you just mutter a short prayer, maybe read a chapter or two and sleep cause you're already tired?

Do everything else, leave the last of the time you have for Him, realized you're too tired and tell God; "I'm sorry Lord, but I'll be back tomorrow, I'm too tired right now - surely You understand?"

Surely He does. 

I've been guilty of this at some points of my life; maybe for the most part too. And I'm sure most of you fellow Christians know what I'm talking about. 

The question is; should we go about this?

We know the answer is no, but there's just so much to do, right? How does one ever find the time?

Just this past week, before the SAT exam, I was 'busy'.. Not exactly studying, maybe a little, I was just busy. I did my devotions but I rushed through them, leaving it for the last. I thought it'd be okay.

On Saturday night, as I was doing my devotion, I suddenly felt so far from Him - I felt as if I've lost the fellowship with Him. I felt sad to know that the more time I spent apart from Him, the bigger the gap was between us. I knew He was there, but I couldn't feel it. It scared me... And then I realized that our busyness and preoccupations can make us blind to our spiritual condition. We no longer realize that we are empty, we have no joy simply because we do not spend time fellowshipping with Him. 

No activity can replace our need to dwell in His presence, not even church activities. We cannot grow if there is no sacrifice on our part. And part of this sacrifice involves our time. 

We profess that we love Him week in and week out, yet never really giving Him the time He deserves? It's not that we have to be praying every moment. There isn't even a specific length of time or formula that makes up for our devotion. But simply being conscious of Him each and every moment. And finding our fulfillment, strength just being with Him and not just muttering a prayer or two. Not rushing through devotion so we can spend time doing anything else... For He looks at the heart. 

Any time we find ourselves too busy for Him - it's when we really need to stop and ask ourselves what we're doing... 

He created us, for His pleasure. He gave us all, He deserves our all. 

And to end the story, He reminded me once again, of His never ending grace; He will always take us back no matter what. Isn't it just beautiful?

James 4:8 - Come close to God and God will come close to You.

Lamentations 3: 22 - 25 - The LORD’S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I have hope in Him.” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the person who seeks Him. 

 

Took the SAT on Saturday. It was tough, as always. Obviously one can't really do much within a week. 

But it was a good experience nevertheless. I don't recall any exam that really had me rushing through every question with no spare time to check. And because every wrong multiple choice answer will deduct a quarter mark from your score, I left some blank; really couldn't shoot at all. The answers were too close. Haha

Now that it's over, I can finally start working on my application essay and college supplements. More work... I hope to send everything by the 23rd. Really have to rush now.

And Christmas is coming. :).

Will update more later. Till then!