?

I want to give up

I will give up

I have to give up

I must give up

But what do I do?

miracles do happen

So, A-Levels results were out today.. How, you ask me?

It was.......................... HORRIBLY EXTREMELY DEFINITELY surprising.

It's only the first exam; but it is rather important for the overall grade later on..

Oh, just to sidetrack abit; College was rather quiet today; especially after people took their results but mainly it was because the whole January batch wasn't in coll cause they were given leave to take their SPM results. That just proves how loud noisy they are. Haha.

I got a C for Business, but it doesn't matter anymore cause I dropped it already.. Only A was for Psychology; got a B for Lit; was kinda disappointed cause my lecturer was expecting an A from me and that was what gave me some hope. It's quite close to an A so I'm deciding what to do now. But the best one was Economics... 79; just a mark away from an A. And it's the best not in terms of marks or anything but rather to my surprise. He really is amazing.

I blogged this after I did my Econs paper back in January..
'I thought Business was bad enough; this just had to be worse. Time was the main factor and it was challenging. I just hope I can get a B or even a C. I always say it's hard and I won't do well; this time I really mean it...'

I really didn't do as much as I should/could have and made some blunders along with inadequate points and stuff. I was planning to retake the paper already but I guess I don't have to now. And who else is the cause of this besides Him? It's not a coincidence, it is a miracle no matter how small it may seem. I know I don't deserve even this much. His mercy is beyond my wildest dreams. Thank You...

Glad for some friends of mine, they did really well!! And to those who didn't fare so well, I know it's hard, but hey, we can still retake and perhaps get much better results! And also; whatever it is, He knows best..

We have to realize that He works in every area of our life, no matter how insignificant it may seem. And it is through all these things; disappointments, discouragement, times of joy, confusion etc that we learn and experience His grace and mercy... Though we might not understand, take joy in the fact that He knows what He's doing.

I guess I really have to work hard now on.. It's not gonna be easy but He'll lead me. :)

deceit

Jeremiah 17:9 - The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

Like it or not, we are selfish people. We are all hypocrites in some way or another. We say we should be like this; but we don't act like it. We say we're doing something for a reason but actually we're doing it for another... And because our heart is full of deceit; we so easily get confused...

I don't trust my heart; never did. Don't ever want to. Cause I know where it'll lead me if I follow it blindly with no discretion. My heart can cause me to do things I never thought I could. To go along with what I feel and that's about it. And before I know it; I'll end up saying and doing things I'll regret. They say follow your heart... I say don't believe it.

What do we trust then? It's not what but rather whom... No question about it. The only thing that lasts in this world; as I have discovered; is His love...

I do not want to say much about what happened today; only a few of my closest friends know what took place.. And thanks guys for being there; you know who you all are.. I feel so much better now; though my eyes are tired already. But it's a relief somehow. :).

He comforts me, more and better than anyone can.. I always knew that. Every time I feel upset; I just cry it out to Him. And the feeling is amazing...

So, I was upset, I was disappointed. I was hurt to a certain extent. Though I kinda prepared myself for this quite some time ago; even though it was only this morning I muttered a prayer asking Him to break and give me the humility and grace to accept what was to come.. True enough; the test came and I feel I must live up to what I promised... I cannot do it on my own; and it's now that He will strengthen me cause all my strength has gone.

FYI, this is nothing to do with anyone in particular; unlike the usual.

But yea, all I know right now is that He has a purpose; there is a reason this happened; that He allowed such things.. I asked for His will to be done; will it be right if I complain now? If I don't want to be selfish; I must see the bigger picture... One day; all this will come to pass. All I know of now, all I can see, all that I want... I don't care what my 'human' side tells me; I don't care even if I still feel it's totally unfair; I don't care if I didn't get what I feel I deserve to; cause I've always said it was all for Him and it will continue to be. And if my heart is out for Him; none of this should matter. I will not blame myself for feeling this way though. He will guide me through.

Lord, please remind me once again, that this is all for You... And despite what I may feel; I know well enough that You're all that really matters. My heart will trust.

=)

Isn't this just so cute? Haha. My brother sent me a postcard through my dad's email; with my dad there of course.. Though I'm sure it won't be long till he can do it on his own. He knows how to use YouTube since 6.. Started using the computer since 4; internet too..

Something's terribly wrong with him; he's 7 yet still behaves like he's 4 and keeps saying I'm his 'baby' and he has to take care of me. Hah.

On Thursday me and a bunch of college mates got stuck in the LRT for more than an hour; it stopped at every station for more than 10 minutes each.. At least we had each other or it would've been a torture.. Trying to upload the video we took on FB; but I can't seem to save it into a movie file. =(.

Nothing much else to say right now. Till then!

I trust; that You know what's best and as I continue holding on; someday I'll see that it was all worth it.. =)

hear my cry

Just like David cried out to You,
Here I am; I come before Your throne
You see my heart; You know it well.
So many things I want to say;
I just want to cry out.
All my fears, desires and dreams,
I lay it all before You

I will see the goodness of You
In the land of the living
Ever Faithful God; so true
All I need is You

Though I am broken now
And cannot understand what I go through
I know that when I see You; I will.
All I want to do now is to surrender and trust You
It's what You would want
I will follow You..

Psalm 16:11 - You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.

fall

I cant fight this feeling any longer
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship, has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show
And I cant fight this feeling anymore

I slipped on the stairs yesterday in college; was quite a bad fall; the way it happened. I think my shoe soles were wet so yea. Slipped on a few steps and landed on the lower part of my back; I sat on the steps cause it was obviously painful and my head was spinning. Got up awhile later and I really thank God nothing serious happened. I could've landed on my spine and who knows what will happen; but it's only a small part that's bruised. Once again; saved by His grace and mercy. It's all these little things in life that proves how He watches over us.. And never for a moment will He look away from us. Isn't that just great? :)

The 0901 and 0903 are leaving in a few months; last semester for them. Pretty sad to think that in the next sem; they're not gonna be around anymore. Made a couple of close friends from both batches and it's gonna take some time adjusting to college life without them.

I still wonder sometimes; of what could've been. But I don't want to be sad about it any longer; wanna put those days behind me and look forward to what the future has to offer. My feelings remain unchanged; but the view I'm seeing now is much clearer. I know now that I cannot change the present; there's only the future to look out for. Yet I'm grateful that through it all; I can hold on to Him; He draws me closer to Himself and constantly comforts me.. Could I ask for anything more?

fearless

So go on, go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
There's nothing you can do to me
That's ever going to burn me

So go on, go on and leave my love
Out on the street
I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless, fearless

If this is how it hurts
It couldn't get much worse
If this is how it feels to fall

Then that's the way it is
We live with what we miss
We learn to build another wall
Till it falls

CNY Celebration was held today; yes a day after Chap Goh Meh. Haha. It's also a part of our Moral project; so many sold food and drinks today; along with performances and stuff. My group originally planned to act but our sketch turned out too lame even though we have great talent (not talking bout myself) so we didn't audition and decided to go along with our back-up plan. After all; many teams didn't perform at all. And yea the highlight of the event (at least for me) was the Food Eating Competition.

I saw the notice; asked Eng Hoe if he was gonna go; obviously he did. Then later on in the afternoon; a girl from the group who organized the competition told Eng Hoe the time it was gonna be held. The conversation went something like this:

Organizer: (Looks at me) You're in.
Me: WHAT?? (Looks at Eng Hoe) Why am I in??
Eng Hoe: We thought it would be cool so we put your name.
Organizer: You're the only girl inside.
Me: Great.

Food competitions aren't alien to me though; I remember competing in one and only one back in 2006 for the Youth Christmas Celebration. The food was a tub of ice-cream; compete in pairs and it was RIGHT after dinner. No one mentioned there was a competition till we finished eating; so I didn't save any space. It was sickening.

I suddenly get this nostalgic feeling. I guess I miss those days. :)

Anyway, this time the food was Ngaku chips, 2 love letter rolls, some biscuit thing and 2 oranges. Prior to the competition; the guys were discussing and decided to let me win. Yes it was pre-planned. But according to some of them, they really couldn't eat as fast and felt like puking. LOL. I think I tried gobbling everything up; thanks to my friends who were cheering for me. Guess this is what happens when you're the only female. Hah. It was fun though. =D.

That's all for now. There's still Lit work to do. Till then. :)