2wice

This cannot be happening.

It's too much, just too much. Just when I accepted it as part of me this has to happen. I'm really upset..

It's not confirmed yet but I'll know it, soon. I wish the best for you and as much as I don't want you to leave, I hope you get it; that you may pursue your dream.. I thought there was lots of time; but I guess it's all about to end now.

Less than two months left. Things are going to be different once you're gone. How am I going to cope? What will it be like... I'm confused now; I just feel like I don't deserve this sometimes. And the worst part is that all of this is just the way things are.

(Don't bother trying to understand, just needed to get it off my chest.)

The next few months, there are exams. Trials in 3 weeks; A-Level exams again in June. Coursework needs to be completed and sent to UK by 3rd May. Aunt's going to China for 3 weeks from the 5th onwards. Mum will be coming down here and then but most of the time I'll be left at home and need to take care of the house and dogs too; no one else's gonna help me this time around. Got to make adjustments to so many things... I'm confused about what's going on and I wish it didn't have to be like this. I don't know what to do. I feel lost..... I don't know if I can go on; I don't know if I can handle all that's happening... When I'm already emotionally weak.. Really, so many tests...

But I have a hope, I have a hiding place. You are my refuge.. I'm tired, but its in You my strength is restored....

Isaiah 40:30-31: Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

again

Another tiring day!! Reached home at 11 today. I want to sleep but there's some research left to do; everything else, I'll do tomorrow. Too tired already. Today was funny, I was being really random. It was pretty fun helping out; mostly folding papers etc. T

I'm grateful I realized some things now. And I won't run away from it any longer. I used to be really afraid of these things, but I know nothing I do will keep it away. So, I should embrace it and be strong.. No matter what may come. My strength is in Him.

I've got to decide now, and I've decided. To attempt to forget. It'll take time but I know it will happen someday. Nothing is impossible.

So many things left to do. And I'm a 100% sure of this now. Thanks to a certain someone, I said it was your fault and blamed you for it. But I think I'm kinda happy it's come to this. I didn't really want to go through the whole thing again, but I guess it ain't so bad. I'll see...

Gonna sleep now. Can hardly keep my eyes open. Till then. :)

choices

I just got back at 10plus. Tiring day. Didn't really have to stay back today but ended up helping the Student Council with some Treasure Hunt stuff. Dinner after that; funny. Hah.

I'm really tired now. These few days; two weeks to be exact, I haven't been getting enough sleep. And I don't seem to have the time to catch up on it too. Oh, well.

I'm still not sure which church I want to commit to right now. It's been 8 months yet I still haven't found a place I can really settle in and perhaps serve. I don't want to keep church hopping; keep going from here to there.. Yet I still haven't found a place; there seems to be a problem everywhere. Not really a problem but just something about it that stops me from wanting to commit. Perhaps I'll just wait awhile more. But one thing's for sure, I'm still going to church. The tendency to be lazy and not go is so high sometimes.. But once you start, it'll become a habit. There can't be any compromises.

I'm quite clear on where I want to study after A-Levels now. I believe it will happen, if it's what He has willed it to be. Though I really hope it would come to pass. And for that reason, I guess I've got to be consistent, got to work hard. I can't waste my time, 'brains' and everything else I've been given.

And oh, the March batch came in yesterday, they had orientation for two days. When I was walking into college yesterday, a junior from the January intake said to me in an excited manner;
"Serene, I saw someone who looks like you!!!"
"Oh, who?"
"A guy from the March intake!"
"...........A guy....???? Are you insulting me?????"
"No, no, no... Like guy version of you la."
"Sure or not??"
"Yeah, he's wearing green, standing there only, go and see!"
So I went to check; and of course I don't think we look alike. Today I asked some of my friends and they found it amusing. Kai Yen even went up to him and said "Eh you so leng chai, take picture can or not?" Swt. The guy refused. Haha. I just hope he doesn't think we're stalking him or something. But nearly all of them think we look alike now; especially the nose. I can't say anything about it. Lol. Ain't it cool I have a 'twin'. And I haven't mentioned there's a John Chua in college too. LOL. So many brothers. HAH.

Lit coursework is gonna take up my time. Only the intro's done and there's only weeks left.. But I guess it'll be alright. He's my strength; all I need is found in Him.

My heart skipped a beat; when you entered. You'll be leaving. Don't want you to... But maybe it's better like this.

200th post

I was going to post something significant since it's the 200th. But the MU-Liv match was just over and I have to vent out my frustration.

Today I realized and reaffirmed why I never liked MU, why I always had something against them. So they won. I wouldn't say they didn't play well. Both teams were good, though Liverpool could've been much better in the 2nd half. The penalty changed everything.

Torres scored on the 5th minute; brilliant goal. A short while later, Valencia dives. Is he trying to take Ronaldo's place? Cause that guy was just an expert in diving. Anyway, he 'fell' down, and Mascherano gets the yellow card and a penalty is given. Rooney shoots, Reina saves and bounces back to Rooney who kicks it back in. Tell me, is that fair?

But I'm not surprised, it's MU!!! It's one in the many times they've won games cause of such a thing. Really frustrating. And if you're an MU fan, I'd be glad if you remain silent. I don't need any comments from you people. MU fans and their words infuriate me as much as the club does. Maybe worse.

A typical MU fan; I'd NEVER want to marry one. Hardcore supporter of the Red Devils; no way. LOL.

Two things I won't understand: 1. How people can find football boring. 2. How MU and the fans can rejoice in victories that were not even deservedly won.

Wait, I forgot; Evra said before; They don't care what way, as long as they win. Wow. How admirable!!!!!

of divinity and humanity

God is God and I am man.
So I'll never understand it all
Only God is God.

Religious Studies was really interesting today. Our lecturer told us that today's lesson was gonna be slightly tougher compared to what we've covered in previous classes. 3 hours of class today; we discussed and learned about the early church and their views of the person of Christ. Christology is as it states, the study of Christ. And in this case, what people saw Jesus as.

So this is a brief summary of what we went through in class as well as my own opinions. There isn't any right or wrong views for this; though we might take sides.

Ebionitism - A Jewish sect that believes JC is just an ordinary human. That's surely not what we believe.

Docetism (from the Greek δοκέω [dokeō], "to seem") is a belief that JC was totally divine but appeared as a human. We don't believe that either do we..

I'll skip out some parts as it will be confusing if I just post brief descriptions; it's really interesting though; can ask me if you wanna know more..

Then there's:

Arianism, the theological teaching of Arius where he states that the Father existed before the Son. Meaning to say, the Son was somehow believed to be a creature or created being; made by the Father. But is that really true?

He came up with another belief to do with the unknowability of God; the Son cannot know the Father; 'one who has a beginning is in no position to know the one who has no beginning'

I do agree with the quote; but only applying it to us humans and not Jesus. I'm far from agreeing with what Arianism stands for.. Moving on

Athanasius had interesting views: A creature is merely a creature and only God can save a creature, not another creature. Since we worship JC as God and not as a creature, it means He is indeed God.

Only God can save; Jesus saves and therefore, Jesus is God.

There're other schools of thought too but this will do.

So what was Jesus really? Was he just human, or completely God but in humanly form. Or was he half of both? Or was he 100% God and 100% man. I believed this; and still do.. But then I was asked; if He was fully man, why didn't he sin? Men, no matter how good, have the tendency to sin. But it's written in Hebrews that He was blameless... Fully man? Think about it.

And come to think of it; it's quite impossible to imagine that anything can be of two natures yet be one.

Ponder on this: God became human in order that humanity might become divine.

As we debated, it got abit frustrating cause there were always questions to something we say. It's just so hard coming to a conclusion. And I was saying how it seems like the more we know, the more doubts we are bound to have. We need childlike faith. And the conclusion made was that; as much as there's so much to debate about this issue; since the early church days till right now; people still have different opinions on who Jesus really is.

But the question is; do we really have to know? With our human minds that are so limited in its understanding; how can we ever comprehend all that is of Him? All that is of something divine; when we are mere humans... Many things in life we won't understand, but we just need to keep having faith and trusting that it will all be revealed to us someday. And till that day comes; we'll never ever doubt His deity. I believe, Jesus was 100% human when he walked this earth and yet was 100% God.

He is my God, my Saviour. He came to save us. And that's all we need to know. :)

Interesting much? Feel free to comment.

'Cause I know my God saved the day
And I know His word never fails
And I know my God made a way for me
Salvation is here

to my best friend and cousin..

HAPPY 15th BIRTHDAY CONTY!!

2006. When we were young and innocent. Hah

I know I already wished you; and that's all I did and can do for now, so I've decided to dedicate this post to you. :)

We grew up together; I guess we've known each other for our whole lives. I still remember those times we used to hang out; me, Stv, you and Abel and do all the weird stuff. We used to go to the Stadium to play tennis but ended up picking balls up instead. We went places together; church camps, outings, sleepovers and crashing each other's houses.. I was so glad when we moved to live just a row away from you. Though you're 4 years younger than me, I never really felt like we had any gap in between us at all. We had our arguments here and there; we did cry over things as girls do. But those aren't the memories that live on; it's all the great ones we've had that continues to play in my mind. We were more like sisters since we only have brothers and yeah, I was really glad having you around..

Then things started to change, and it came to a point where it started to hurt us both. To realize that we were drifting apart. It was hard for me, that whole period and I know it was for you too. But I'm glad that after some time, it started getting better. Things didn't get back to the way it was before and to tell you the truth, sometimes I still wish it did. But I'm seeing now that not everything can go back to the way it used to be, however, it doesn't make it any different. We're still cousins, sisters, best friends :). And that's one thing that won't change, I promise you. I don't ever want to lose you either.

I hope you'll cherish those times like I did. Thanks for standing by me all this while; always being there for me.. You've always had my best interests at heart and I'm really sorry for all the things that happened in the past; the words I've said and things I did... You always were so forgiving and loving.. And you were always there.. You say you can't help me sometimes, but really, just listening is more than enough and I'm glad for all you've done for me... Truly grateful!

I'm so happy to see how much you've grown over the years and I'm proud of you!! Do know I'm always gonna be here for you and you can count on me. We can't expect things to be like before; but it doesn't mean we're any further apart... I miss you. =/.

Continue to be strong in the Lord.. Hold on and never let go! And remember, I'm here too! Love you loads!! :)

2009

p.s: We shall go out when I'm back!!

kids carnival

College organized Kids Carnival on Saturday, 13th. It was for charity and part of our Moral Studies project too. The money we raised was used to sponsor kids (Myanmar Refugees) from MalaysianCare to come and play games. Each kid was given a booklet worth 10bucks each. So in our groups, we had to set up our own game booths and stuff for them. My group planned to set up two; one; a game we call Pin the Moustache on the Choi San; revised version of Pin the Tail on the Mule and the second game was 'Shoot Me'.. Kids basically just get to shoot our human targets with water guns or throw sponges. It was kinda like a last minute idea; did some changes here and there. The original plan was to let the guys pop their heads up here and there with something to block them; but they ended up taking it away and had free 'showers'.

The Choi San game failed; which kid would want to play??? But surprisingly our water game was a success. Seriously; kids started crowding the place and some of them kept coming back; spending most of their coupons at our stall. HAHA. Someone was saying we were kinda promoting the wrong 'values' but c'mon it's just a game; where's the violence in that?

Anyway, at least we made some profit.. Compared to many other groups that worked so hard in preparing their stall; we barely had anything to prepare; we kinda earned much more.. So yea! I was kinda worried cause being the only girl in the group with 8 guys, I wasn't sure how it was gonna work out. But thankfully it was okay. =D

Our failed Choi San game

He deserves to be 'shot'. Hah

Moral Studies Group Pic..

Hopefully we'll get decent marks for our group effort; 40% weightage. If we can get good marks, plus another 10% from assignments, I just need to make sure I get a few marks in the exam and I'll pass! It's just Moral anyway.

I'm holding on.

none can compare

Where have I gone that You have not been to?
Which path have I stumbled on that You have not walked on?
What pain do I have that You have not experienced?
What sufferings do I have that You have not endured?
What do I know that You don't already understand?
What future do I want that You have not planned out?
What needs do I have that You have not already fulfilled?
What love do I seek that You have not already given?
What can I do that You have not already done?
Lord, truly, You amaze me...

Nothing, absolutely nothing can compare to You.

For that reason; I worship. I honor. I seek.

*originally penned on 18.2.10*

face it

6 months and ongoing.

I'm honestly surprised myself that it's come this far, that it has lasted this long and isn't dying.

Though it's painful at times, especially when I experience those happy yet sad moments that only remind me of what could've been and how great it all would be. But I don't want to think about it anymore.

I thank Him, for guiding me through everything. This week has been a bit more than I could ask for. My results; when I look back, I have no reason to complain. He gave me so much more; more than I deserve.

What do I have that You have not given?

I'll continue trusting. You know so much better. It won't be too much to bear, I've got You.

AI

The Idol fan in me has resurfaced.

Was watching previous Idol videos particularly David Cook's performances during Idol. Season 7 was my favourite and nothing can ever beat that. I was a fan of 4 people; Both Davids, Jason and Brooke. Out of the 4, my favourites were David Cook and Jason.. Cook's originality, his voice, how he made every song sound like his own was what made me such a huge fan.


He's got great style too. What's not to like? Yes, I don't understand how people DON'T like him. I used to remember every single performance he sang; and I downloaded pretty much everything. Till now, I still love listening to them. :)

Check this video out..





Jason Castro was another of my favourites, if not the most... It was only when he went out, that Cook was my fav. His voice isn't strong, in fact, if you compare it with the others, it was just okay. But there's something to him that really makes him likable. For me, its his faith, his cool unique voice and style.. Some people hated him, mostly for his hair. He looks cool what!! He had no vocal training either; what do you expect??

Isn't he cute? Haha

Either way, he had great moments on the show especially his rendition of Hallelujah. Some of you Idol fans would remember this. If not, just watch it.. :)



Quite disappointed with the quality of the contestants this season, or lack of.. The guys are not good!! Compared to the likes of the Davids, Kris Allen, and yes, as much as I'd hate to admit even Adam Lambert... So, I'm officially supporting the girls now. Specifically Crystal, Siobhan and Didi.. Just a random post.

?

I want to give up

I will give up

I have to give up

I must give up

But what do I do?

miracles do happen

So, A-Levels results were out today.. How, you ask me?

It was.......................... HORRIBLY EXTREMELY DEFINITELY surprising.

It's only the first exam; but it is rather important for the overall grade later on..

Oh, just to sidetrack abit; College was rather quiet today; especially after people took their results but mainly it was because the whole January batch wasn't in coll cause they were given leave to take their SPM results. That just proves how loud noisy they are. Haha.

I got a C for Business, but it doesn't matter anymore cause I dropped it already.. Only A was for Psychology; got a B for Lit; was kinda disappointed cause my lecturer was expecting an A from me and that was what gave me some hope. It's quite close to an A so I'm deciding what to do now. But the best one was Economics... 79; just a mark away from an A. And it's the best not in terms of marks or anything but rather to my surprise. He really is amazing.

I blogged this after I did my Econs paper back in January..
'I thought Business was bad enough; this just had to be worse. Time was the main factor and it was challenging. I just hope I can get a B or even a C. I always say it's hard and I won't do well; this time I really mean it...'

I really didn't do as much as I should/could have and made some blunders along with inadequate points and stuff. I was planning to retake the paper already but I guess I don't have to now. And who else is the cause of this besides Him? It's not a coincidence, it is a miracle no matter how small it may seem. I know I don't deserve even this much. His mercy is beyond my wildest dreams. Thank You...

Glad for some friends of mine, they did really well!! And to those who didn't fare so well, I know it's hard, but hey, we can still retake and perhaps get much better results! And also; whatever it is, He knows best..

We have to realize that He works in every area of our life, no matter how insignificant it may seem. And it is through all these things; disappointments, discouragement, times of joy, confusion etc that we learn and experience His grace and mercy... Though we might not understand, take joy in the fact that He knows what He's doing.

I guess I really have to work hard now on.. It's not gonna be easy but He'll lead me. :)

deceit

Jeremiah 17:9 - The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

Like it or not, we are selfish people. We are all hypocrites in some way or another. We say we should be like this; but we don't act like it. We say we're doing something for a reason but actually we're doing it for another... And because our heart is full of deceit; we so easily get confused...

I don't trust my heart; never did. Don't ever want to. Cause I know where it'll lead me if I follow it blindly with no discretion. My heart can cause me to do things I never thought I could. To go along with what I feel and that's about it. And before I know it; I'll end up saying and doing things I'll regret. They say follow your heart... I say don't believe it.

What do we trust then? It's not what but rather whom... No question about it. The only thing that lasts in this world; as I have discovered; is His love...

I do not want to say much about what happened today; only a few of my closest friends know what took place.. And thanks guys for being there; you know who you all are.. I feel so much better now; though my eyes are tired already. But it's a relief somehow. :).

He comforts me, more and better than anyone can.. I always knew that. Every time I feel upset; I just cry it out to Him. And the feeling is amazing...

So, I was upset, I was disappointed. I was hurt to a certain extent. Though I kinda prepared myself for this quite some time ago; even though it was only this morning I muttered a prayer asking Him to break and give me the humility and grace to accept what was to come.. True enough; the test came and I feel I must live up to what I promised... I cannot do it on my own; and it's now that He will strengthen me cause all my strength has gone.

FYI, this is nothing to do with anyone in particular; unlike the usual.

But yea, all I know right now is that He has a purpose; there is a reason this happened; that He allowed such things.. I asked for His will to be done; will it be right if I complain now? If I don't want to be selfish; I must see the bigger picture... One day; all this will come to pass. All I know of now, all I can see, all that I want... I don't care what my 'human' side tells me; I don't care even if I still feel it's totally unfair; I don't care if I didn't get what I feel I deserve to; cause I've always said it was all for Him and it will continue to be. And if my heart is out for Him; none of this should matter. I will not blame myself for feeling this way though. He will guide me through.

Lord, please remind me once again, that this is all for You... And despite what I may feel; I know well enough that You're all that really matters. My heart will trust.

=)

Isn't this just so cute? Haha. My brother sent me a postcard through my dad's email; with my dad there of course.. Though I'm sure it won't be long till he can do it on his own. He knows how to use YouTube since 6.. Started using the computer since 4; internet too..

Something's terribly wrong with him; he's 7 yet still behaves like he's 4 and keeps saying I'm his 'baby' and he has to take care of me. Hah.

On Thursday me and a bunch of college mates got stuck in the LRT for more than an hour; it stopped at every station for more than 10 minutes each.. At least we had each other or it would've been a torture.. Trying to upload the video we took on FB; but I can't seem to save it into a movie file. =(.

Nothing much else to say right now. Till then!

I trust; that You know what's best and as I continue holding on; someday I'll see that it was all worth it.. =)

hear my cry

Just like David cried out to You,
Here I am; I come before Your throne
You see my heart; You know it well.
So many things I want to say;
I just want to cry out.
All my fears, desires and dreams,
I lay it all before You

I will see the goodness of You
In the land of the living
Ever Faithful God; so true
All I need is You

Though I am broken now
And cannot understand what I go through
I know that when I see You; I will.
All I want to do now is to surrender and trust You
It's what You would want
I will follow You..

Psalm 16:11 - You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.

fall

I cant fight this feeling any longer
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship, has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show
And I cant fight this feeling anymore

I slipped on the stairs yesterday in college; was quite a bad fall; the way it happened. I think my shoe soles were wet so yea. Slipped on a few steps and landed on the lower part of my back; I sat on the steps cause it was obviously painful and my head was spinning. Got up awhile later and I really thank God nothing serious happened. I could've landed on my spine and who knows what will happen; but it's only a small part that's bruised. Once again; saved by His grace and mercy. It's all these little things in life that proves how He watches over us.. And never for a moment will He look away from us. Isn't that just great? :)

The 0901 and 0903 are leaving in a few months; last semester for them. Pretty sad to think that in the next sem; they're not gonna be around anymore. Made a couple of close friends from both batches and it's gonna take some time adjusting to college life without them.

I still wonder sometimes; of what could've been. But I don't want to be sad about it any longer; wanna put those days behind me and look forward to what the future has to offer. My feelings remain unchanged; but the view I'm seeing now is much clearer. I know now that I cannot change the present; there's only the future to look out for. Yet I'm grateful that through it all; I can hold on to Him; He draws me closer to Himself and constantly comforts me.. Could I ask for anything more?

fearless

So go on, go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
There's nothing you can do to me
That's ever going to burn me

So go on, go on and leave my love
Out on the street
I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless, fearless

If this is how it hurts
It couldn't get much worse
If this is how it feels to fall

Then that's the way it is
We live with what we miss
We learn to build another wall
Till it falls

CNY Celebration was held today; yes a day after Chap Goh Meh. Haha. It's also a part of our Moral project; so many sold food and drinks today; along with performances and stuff. My group originally planned to act but our sketch turned out too lame even though we have great talent (not talking bout myself) so we didn't audition and decided to go along with our back-up plan. After all; many teams didn't perform at all. And yea the highlight of the event (at least for me) was the Food Eating Competition.

I saw the notice; asked Eng Hoe if he was gonna go; obviously he did. Then later on in the afternoon; a girl from the group who organized the competition told Eng Hoe the time it was gonna be held. The conversation went something like this:

Organizer: (Looks at me) You're in.
Me: WHAT?? (Looks at Eng Hoe) Why am I in??
Eng Hoe: We thought it would be cool so we put your name.
Organizer: You're the only girl inside.
Me: Great.

Food competitions aren't alien to me though; I remember competing in one and only one back in 2006 for the Youth Christmas Celebration. The food was a tub of ice-cream; compete in pairs and it was RIGHT after dinner. No one mentioned there was a competition till we finished eating; so I didn't save any space. It was sickening.

I suddenly get this nostalgic feeling. I guess I miss those days. :)

Anyway, this time the food was Ngaku chips, 2 love letter rolls, some biscuit thing and 2 oranges. Prior to the competition; the guys were discussing and decided to let me win. Yes it was pre-planned. But according to some of them, they really couldn't eat as fast and felt like puking. LOL. I think I tried gobbling everything up; thanks to my friends who were cheering for me. Guess this is what happens when you're the only female. Hah. It was fun though. =D.

That's all for now. There's still Lit work to do. Till then. :)