a yearning deep inside

There's a cry deep within me, a yearning to feel You, I look to You Lord.

An inner conflict is:
(i) when two elements within you struggle for something
(ii) a mental or emotional struggle occurs within you

Right now, that's what I'm going through. It's always when you want a change; when you don't want to be like how you used to be; when you really don't want to be prone to making assumptions without knowing the truth behind it. It's hard really, to do or not do what you've always been used to. But with Him, it's all possible.

Lord I won't ask You to remove the pain; I won't ask You to take it all away, but I will ask that You show me what You want me to learn; help me trust You more and that I may see You in everything... To be more like You. Even though my heart tells me a different thing; even though my desires seem to be so strong; deep inside and more than anything else, my soul longs; my heart yearns for You.

rachel

A pic we took in 2007 during Christmas

Rachel left for UK yesterday. She's one of the very few best friends I have and knowing that she's left is quite hard for me to accept. Didn't realize how fast time passed till then..

I knew her in youth since I was form 3. And it was only in form 4 that we started getting closer, she was form 5 then. I remember hanging out with her in school and even in youth. We shared many things and she was one whom I trusted. Because of something that happened, I stopped confiding in her for a few months; due to several reasons. But it was after those months that we started getting much closer again. When she left school, I was quite sad due to the fact I had one less good friend to hang out with in school. Somehow, we still managed to keep in touch and were still very close friends. Up till now and hopefully it won't change despite her being so far away now.

She was the one I texted the most; talked to the most, told the most stories to, shared the most with. Things just won't be the same anymore, but I'm glad that she managed to get a place in Imperial and she will surely do well.

If you ever read this, I hope you'll know that I treasure our friendship alot and I'm so grateful to have a good friend like you. Hope to see you in December if you're coming back and hope we can still keep in touch often. And yeah, God has a great plan for you; allow Him to use you for His purpose and you'll see the great things ahead. =). And, you're special. Thanks again for always listening to what I have to say, and never once got tired of it... You'll be in my prayers. Love you sis in Christ. =)

slow fade

Aunt left for New Zealand on Saturday for 1 and a half months. She went to help my aunty who just gave birth with her confinement. So I'm left alone at home with her 6 dogs. There're 7 actually, but the biggest one was sent to a friend to be taken care of. If not, I might as well just stop college and take care of the dogs the whole time. Hah. I'm not complaining though. It's not as bad as it seems. Though I will be alone for more than half of the time my aunt's away; my mum will be coming down a few times for a few days before she goes back home and a friend of my aunt has promised to drop in once in awhile to stay and help out with the dogs. So it's not that bad after all. Though this would mean I'd have to get up extra earlier every morning to settle some dog stuff and take the bus to the LRT station. But then again, I'll get used to it.

Some of us went for 'tea' after IELTS class today at Mid Valley. Went in two cars. Kenneth, Julius, Janice in Kenneth's car; me, Wei Han and Ern Wei in Chuen Hoe's car. I dragged Ern Wei along (according to him) when I saw him walking out of college. Hope he didn't get screwed by his apartment mates. Haha. It took us nearly half an hour just to decide where to go. That's why by the time we actually reached and decided where to eat, it was already 5.30. One hour wasted. And yeah, the roads were quite jammed on our way back. By the time I reached the LRT station it was 8.30 and I had to wait for half an hour for the bus. It's annoying sometimes how the buses are not always punctual and the drivers only go when they feel like it. It's supposed to be every twenty minutes. Why am I not surprised?

Could it be true? I really can't tell, I'll just keep trusting Him. =)

she's back

My football blog is revived, for those who don't know, YES I have a blog devoted to football alone... Mainly Liverpool actually. So don't bother clicking if you don't care. If you're interested, the link is under my links. My Alter Ego. Yeah. Haha

Came downstairs to watch the Liv-Hull match; very happy with the score obviously. Even though mosquitoes are feasting on me, it's worth it! And I'm typing with bloody fingers. Literally bloody. I scratched a dried blood clot off and yeah blood's still flowing out. Too lazy to get a tissue now cause there's none downstairs, so it'll wait.

I shall blog more tomorrow. Till then. =)

home

The comfort of being at home is just too great. Came back to KL on Wednesday. Basically did nothing much at home besides the usual things and meeting up with some friends.

Met up with Ann Yan on Monday, my deskmate for 2 years in Form 4 and 5 and one of my closest friends while I was in school too. We still kept in touch and we met on Monday; haven't seen her since SPM ended. Walked and talked in Jusco after having lunch. Glad to have seen her =).

On Tuesday, I met up with Rachel at Old Town who's leaving for UK on Tuesday morning. Since she will only be coming down on Monday, I'd have no chance to meet her then so Tuesday it was.. Quite sad to think about it right now. Sandra and Daniel was with us too, and after Daniel went back, 3 of us went to McD to get ice-creams.

Tuesday night was Pasar Malam as usual. I went mostly for the company, cause PJ has better night markets to be honest. Hah. And yeah, after meeting the ISCF campers, went to join the guys; we went to Jusco for awhile and McD after that. Came back around 11plus.

College was alright yesterday; I actually did not feel sleepy during Econs class though I barely slept the night before. And yeah I had a 2 and a half hour break at 12 before my Lit class so I went to Times Square with Vicki and Mei-Xian. Had a great time.

Pictures..

Ann Yan.

Mei-Xian and Vicki

Aunt's Belated B'day Celeb at some cafe.. Dad's drink. Soursop thing, pretty good.

In Between the Foo Brothers, Samuel and Shao

-out.-

faith and what it means

If we could see the outcome of our faith; If we could know the pains we would have to go through because of our faith; If we could understand His purpose in all that comes our way because of our faith; Then faith wouldn't be faith any longer. It defeats the whole purpose.

We shouldn't ask Him to reveal His purpose of the trials we go through but rather ask Him to add to our faith. Then again, the normal question would be to ask Him for more faith. But the question isn't if our faith is 'big' enough;

In Luke 17:5-6 - The apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith!" He replied, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you.

Adding to our faith:
2 Peter 1:5-7 - For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.

At a glance, it seems so hard. But if we truly have the heart to seek Him, nothing is too difficult for Him to accomplish within us. We only have to allow Him to; which is always a hard thing to do. Maybe it's time we stop trying to reason everything out with Him but to simply take hold of His hand and follow wherever He may lead.

It's time we sing this song with full understanding and meaning.

Shepherd of my soul I give you full control,
Wherever You may lead I will follow.
I have made the choice to listen for Your voice,
Wherever You may lead I will go.

Be it in a quiet pasture or by a gentle stream,
The Shepherd of my soul is by my side.
Should I face a mighty mountain or a valley dark and deep,
The Shepherd of my soul will be my guide.

Shepherd of my soul Oh You have made me whole,
Where’er I hear You call how my tears flow.
How I feel your love how I want to serve
I gladly give my heart to You O Lord.

Be it in the flowing river or in the quiet night,
The Shepherd of my soul is by my side.
Should I face the stormy weather or the dangers of this world.
The Shepherd of my soul will be my guide.

it's enough

No more weird thoughts (no matter what I 'think' is happening).

No more jumping to conclusions (without knowing what's really going on).

No more making assumptions (without having any proof).

I've had enough of all of these.

p.s: leevz, I'm sure you would be glad if I could actually keep up to this, but I'll try my best!!

life and death

Came back on Friday night. Was supposed to attend a wake service of a church member's mum who passed away on Friday morning, but couldn't make it in time.There was another service on Saturday night which I went for.

And on Sunday morning, we had our church service at the house together with the funeral service. My pastor preached both in English and Mandarin for the sake of the relatives and friends - the message was simple yet powerful.

Philippians 1:21 - For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

The 3 evidences of a person that's truly living for God:

1. A life that truly lives to please God.

2. A life that truly seeks to bless others.

3. A life that stays firm on His Word and is not shaken through whatever circumstance.

Are you truly living for Him?

Going to funerals always have a way of making me think about my life. We've only be given one life to live. How long - we don't know. But one thing we do know is that nothing else in this world could ever bring us true fulfillment except Him alone. Yet we keep going after meaningless, worthless pursuits that only bring temporary fulfillment. In the light of His love, everything else is meaningless. If only we could understand the truth, our lives would be transformed.

I'm not claiming to be perfect; nor am I saying I'm fully where I want to be in my walk with Him.. But I was just reminded yet again of how short our lives are.. We will all die some day, we have to make the most out of what we've been given. To live a life with no regrets is to live a life for Him. For who else could bring us such joy, such peace, such hope and such love?

sleep

Had another long day. I took a fifteen minute nap at 8 cause I couldn't stay awake for another minute. I get cranky when I don't get my nap; I need at least an hour.

Sam came down to KL today, he met me outside college, we went to check out the condos near college; Scott Villa and Scott Sentral. I got Mr. Michael's (college's Student Service officer) permission to go into my friends place. It's the college rule that no outsiders/friends are allowed to enter our friends condo.. Sam's thinking of renting a unit even though he isn't gonna be in KL very often. If he gets it, I could use a room; won't be such a hassle to go to college anymore though living with my aunt has a lot of benefits too. Long way to go anyway.

I have assignments due on Thursday but I have to leave it for tomorrow; too tired to do anything right now. Hoping to sleep early today. -out-

There can't possibly be another, no it can't be. And, you won't ever know. I'm t.r.y.i.n.g

randoms

Happy birthday Phil!!

Mr. Darkside. Haha

My friend since I was erm born? We grew up together in the same church and later on same neighbourhood. I still remember how me, my brother and Phil would do the craziest things. And Abel used to get bullied by them when he was much younger. Haha. We used to go to the park near my house when we were Std 5 and 6, cycled around the neighbourhood nearly every weekend, talked about Pampers Boy and Min Pau and all the nonsense we did in church camps. Too many memories. He's like my fourth brother. Haha.

Thanks for all you've said and done; the support you've given me throughout these years. Thanks for listening to all my stories and for all the advice. Thanks for always belanja-ing me, I've always known you to be such a generous person who gives and never asks for anything in return. You've got a really big heart. So, happy 19th! =D

Speaking of Phil, I met up with him at The Curve/IKEA on Saturday. Haven't seen him since I left for KL though he's studying in Monash. Anyway, we had lunch in IKEA, then walked around Curve: was looking for a jacket which I couldn't find.. We went to Cineleisure after that and watched....... Where Got Ghost? Though I had to depend on the subtitles, I thought the movie was not bad though it was LAME but I still found it hilarious. =D.

We found this near the cinema. Ignore the expression.

Take 2. So much for trying to seem scared.

Anyway, I wanted to go for Community Service with Vicki today.. We went over to Wisma Harapan, but we went at the wrong time cause the person-in-charge was having her break. Waited awhile and decided not to wait anymore so we walked to Sentral.. Though I already had lunch, I wanted to go McD but had a sudden craving for Starbucks. Hah.

Vicki's food and drink on the left. We got three packets of those chips for free.

And yesterday, Joon Yang sent me this picture that he took quite some time ago:

Some people just think I like Liverpool just cause of Torres which is absolutely NOT TRUE. Those who really know me would know that. He spelled my surname wrong so I asked for him to edit.. and he did this.

Thanks very much JY. Haha. You're lucky I'm not *******. =P.

-out-.

the truth hurts at times

It wasn't as bad as I thought it to be.

In fact, it wasn't even something I should have worried about

Yet there's this feeling in me that I can't explain.

I've finally realized the truth:

It's painful, it really is.

Yet there's nothing I can do.

I've been lying to myself for too long

Now, it's time to stop all of it.

And that's why, I'm pulling out.

From this game that's wearing me out.

It's gonna hurt either way; either now or later on.

So I won't run away from the pain.

And I won't ask for it to be taken away.

But I'll ask for Him to take all of me - that there will be more of Him and less of me..

Cause I truly believe the message of Romans 8:28:- that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I'm letting go of all that I know, I'm holding on to You alone. I lay it all down, down here at Your feet, I want You alone, You alone.

Psalm 42:11 - Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again - my Saviour and my God!

of food and fears

Random pics taken when I was back in Ipoh..

Crispy Roast Chicken at one of my family's favourite shops.

Went to Connaught for lunch today with Kenneth who drove, Eng Hoe, Myat, Julius and Eunice. I think the shop was called Madam Chiam Curry Noodles. Or something like that.. Anyway, we went there for their Pan Mee... Which was also really good. They had small, big, or big big, big big big, big big big big, you get the picture.... Haha. I ordered double big but they gave me a normal big one. So yeah, after finishing one bowl, I immediately ordered another one. I ate nearly as much as Eng Hoe. 5.20 a bowl by the way. Cheaper than Kin Kin.. And thankfully we reached just in time for me to get to class.. It was a funny ride back; dropped Myat and then Eunice home, and there were many road bumps on the way, the bottom of the car hit most of it and there was a loud sound each time. And every time that happened, Kenneth started blaming Eng Hoe for it. And they started 'arguing'. Me and Julius just watched.



And yeah, I found out something today; a fear I had few weeks back actually came to pass.. In a way, it's a bit disturbing.. And it kinda stresses me out even though it might not be as serious as it appears to be. However, there's still this sense of peace in me that can't be explained. It's Him, it has to be... No one else could ever make me feel this way. Despite the things that are going on; I know that He will come through for me and all I need to do is to trust Him. He's given me great friends too; I know I don't have to go through it alone..

Through the joy and the pain, I'll exalt His name.

Psalm 46:1 -God is our refuge and strength, our very present help in times of trouble.

can't help it

I am trying not to tell you, but I want to
I'm scared of what you'll say.
So I'm hidin what I'm feelin'
But I'm tired of holding this inside my head

Business class was pretty cool today. =) And upon entering our Psychology class, Mr. Loo said there was a good news and a bad one... The thing is, the good news wasn't THAT good to begin with and the bad one didn't seem bad at all. Hah.

During Pre-U meeting, we were passed the Pilot Entry Form for our Jan A-Level exams (so fast...) and were briefed about it... And obviously, have to pay for it. No joke man.. For this exam itself, it's RM1040 for me and I'm thinking of taking the IELTS exam this semester too, another RM550... Which reminds me how I can't afford to screw up. But then again, I don't wanna be stressed about it. So yeah.

Before Pre-U, I was pretty free for like two hours. So me and a few others went to 7-Eleven to get some drinks and went back to college. We were bored so we started telling jokes. Have you ever heard of the 2 PINK PING PONG BALLS one? Apparently, it could take up to half an hour. For those who know, don't spoil it. Haha. If you're interested, I can tell you. It's way too cool. =D.

Anyone want a macaron? =)

so much for holidays

Finally done with my assignments. But, wait - there's more!! Lit research yet to be done, Business Studies survey yet to be done. Was supposed to study Psychology but had no time. Must think of how to answer my Psycho lecturer when he asks why I didn't study... Not even done with Econs notes.

Well, at least I've done the major ones. =D. 

So much for having a one week break. I wanted to get so many things done, but I failed miserably. Can't blame anyone or anything besides myself. But then again, no stress!!

Looking at the bright side, at least I got to eat Ipoh food! Though I've only covered a part of what I want to eat... Speaking of which, I'm hungry already though I had a late dinner. And I had ample time to sleep... Which I rarely get to do in KL. So I guess I won't complain. Though I wish I could've spent more time doing more beneficial things, what's the point of wishing now? 

Didn't go out the whole week except for meals and getting my new phone cover. Everyone's got school! =/. Anyway, went to watch Up today with my two brothers; Samuel and John and Abel and Constance as well. It was the first time John went to cinema and surprisingly he did behave. Except for the part where he kept asking me for food and kept saying he was hungry. At least it wasn't so bad.  And the movie: I liked it.. And I like Russell too, he's SO CUTE! Hahah. 

Speaking of John, here's a random picture we took last year. Hah

See any resemblance?

Will be going back to KL tomorrow. -out.-

let it all out

Today, in the blink of an eye, I'm holding on to something and I do not know why.

(Thanks to Amos for the BLG influence. Haha.)

It's funny how upon finding out certain things,

You begin to wonder if it's all worth it.

There are many things in this life

In which we will never understand

No matter how hard we try.

Yet if we keep trying to find out,

Then we're missing the whole point.

Rather than trying to reason,

Why not trust?

----------------------------

Time is running out.

And it's painful sometimes when

I think of what could've been had I chose a different path.

But God has brought me all the way here.

It's not by accident that I am where I am right now.

He knew this was coming.

Yet He chose to allow it proves He has something in mind.

It's just that I can't see it right now.

And that doesn't give me any reason to stop trusting.

It's happened so many times before...

What makes me think it'll be different this time?

I was stumped for a moment

Not knowing what to do.

And I've just realized

That the only thing I can do is

To hope and pray.

One chance; it's all I'm asking for.

The pain you go through,

You're never alone.

Trust Him.

cf camp 09 - part 2

Day 3 - Sunday, 30th August: The usuals. Session 3 was probably the peak of it all. There was an altar call after the session and by God's grace, hearts were touched and some responded. God is amazing, and too often we forget how GREAT He is. He spoke to me and now I roughly know what to do. He reminded me of His love and grace and how no matter what, He sees what I'm going through. These were the things He's been teaching me throughout the past few years and it was like another gentle reminder. I can't thank Him enough for that. =). 

After lunch, there was an awareness talk by the person-in-charge of Bethany Home. He talked about the place, its purpose and stuff like that. Oh, and before he gave us the talk, he made us go through........ How it feels to be disabled. He made us find a partner each and then he split us into groups. The first group would be the blind and the second would be the lame. So each pair would blindfold one person and he/she would be given a stick. And the other group would have a person from each pair to sit on a wheelchair/use crutches. For those on the wheelchair, one hand was tied to the handrest so he/she could only use one hand to move both wheels. And for those with crutches, both legs were tied together. Well, you get the picture. Our partners were given instructions NOT to help us. So yeah, for round 15 minutes, we were 'disabled'. Our goal was to move from the hall all the way to the food place. Not that far if you walk, but considering our situation, it seemed really difficult. I was pretty bad at it, kept banging into chairs. When we reached the place, we switched with our partners. I have alot of respect for these people.. It's definitely not easy.. 

Session 4 took place after the talk. Before the session we were asked to go around, encouraging others and thanking them for something. Was free all the way till dinner. Talentime (sketch) was after dinner. My group's theme was Patience and the setting was Year 2222. So we decided to do something on robots. 

But the best sketch was definitely the one by Inreda. Theirs was Kindness and Terminator. Laughter all the way to the end! 

We were free after the sketch, so some of us played Pictionary.. 

We won both rounds. =D. Sadly, we had to get in our rooms by 11.30.. 

Day 4 - Monday, 31st August: MERDEKA! Though no one seemed to remember/care/bother. Lol. We only had to wake up at 8. That too, the guys still slept on. Devotion was after breakfast that day and my group merged with Spoka for it that morning. And oh, our group names were all these weird words. So they told us on the first day that if could find out the meaning of our group name and its origin, we would get extra points. I asked Abel on the third night to find out for me. And thanks to him, we got it. My group's name: Glansa means shine. And it's a Swedish term. But when they announced it during the prize-giving session, they said that all the group names were actually names of lights sold in Ikea... Really potong stim. We got third place anyway. This time, it felt rather different. Maybe its just cause we're already past the stage where winning means everything. And for the first time, it was rather relaxing. 

Glansa. Great group-mates. =)

Till then. -out-

CF Camp 09 - part 1

CF Camp 09 was a blast! Yea, it was. Though I didn't know those who went very well, but I guess it was an opportunity to make new friends and get to know them better. The camp was held in Bethany Home, Teluk Intan, a school for the disabled and under privileged. Here goes...

Day 1 - Friday, 28th August: We gathered in college at 12.30 and registered. By the time everyone came and was done registering, it was already 1.30. We all went to the Student Lounge and were introduced to the speaker, Segar Moses. Pretty cool dude. Haha. He asked us to list down the qualities of a 'Sportsman of the Year' in our groups and break it down into Attitude and Skill. When we finished, he talked abit about our theme: Impact Ourselves, Impacting Others and then we got on the bus. But the lecturer who was supposed to accompany us was sick, so we waited for another hour for her replacement. Left at 3.45. Reached at 6plus. Dinner - it was the best meal of the whole camp for me. Rushed for practice for worship that night. When we started it was already 8.30. We played a game; something like Capture The Flag + Balloon War.. Basically, in our groups, some were soldiers and some were finders. Everyone had a balloon tied to their leg. Once your balloon bursts, you're dead and you have to return to the base and protect your flag. The field is where the three bases were and the soldiers were there to either protect the flag, step on other soldiers' balloons or capture their flag. The finders job was to find balloons and strips of papers that could be exchanged for either members who got caught and were thrown into jail and for balloons that burst. Hah. There were 5 groups and we had to merge. So one of the groups merged with the committee. It was fun though it was pretty dark, especially at our base. It was kinda scary cause your flag could just disappear the moment you look away. Some got injured in this game. And yeah, my group, Glansa, together with Spoka, won this game. That pretty much summed up the first day. 

The room some of us slept in. Ours was the only one with an air-cond and double decker beds. How blessed. Haha

Day 2 - Saturday, 29th August: Woke up at 7, devotion, breakfast, worship, session1. Session 1 posed serious questions for us to think about. Before lunch, we were given a short briefing bout the station games. We were given an egg and for a moment I was hoping we wouldn't have to take care of it throughout the camp. Thank goodness we only had to keep it till the end of the station games. We would be getting something from each station that would help us to create something to protect our egg. Cause it was gonna be jumped on, stepped on, used as a basketball to throw a 3-pointer etc. It seemed nearly impossible. Station games started round 1.30 and there were 5 stations altogether. When it ended, it was nearly 3 o clock. My group went to the 'canteen' with the stuff we collected and this was our creation...

We weren't so confident that it could actually withstand all the pressure that was coming. But, we did it anyway. It was our 'baby'. Haha. And the result: out of 5 groups, only 1 group's egg remained intact. And sadly, it wasn't ours. Haha. After dinner, it was session 2. 

Before the session started

After worship, the speaker split us into two big groups and we played a game. We stood around in a circle and he gave us a ball to throw to someone else in the circle by calling out his/her name. It had to continue with everyone in the circle receiving the ball only once and when it was done, the same order had to be repeated. And the catch was that once we started, more balls came in and yea it got pretty hard then. We could barely keep all 8 balls in the air for 5 seconds.. After the session, we had to form our own groups of 4-5 or even 6. We were given balloons that we had to write certain personal things on and share about it in the group. And we had to burst it after that. 

The guys got the radio out to find the frequency for Business.Fm for live commentary on the MU-Arsenal game that was going to happen. They managed to find it after trying for some time. Then some of them tried to get the tv to work and discovered that there was an Astro decoder and after some time, they actually got it to work. Liverpool game was on then and initially, though they were losing, they came back and won 3-2. That's the Liverpool we know!! Haha. Some of us were watching the MU-Arsenal game all the way till the 60th minute (was nearly 2am then). And then we were chased away by.... And yeah, we had no choice but to go to bed. MU won anyway, one penalty and the other an own goal by Arsenal, tell me how is that what you call a true champion? Don't hate me. =D. 

-to be continued-