Maybe not literally but I need a good shaking; cause I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing and I don't know if I should continue to do what I'm doing.
I tell myself not to but I end up doing it. I tell myself not to go but I end up going. I tell myself to stop but I just carry on. And if you're wondering, I'm not doing anything wrong; it's just something that's gonna end up hurting more at the end of the day. Yet I still want to. And I can't understand why.
Anyway, college was alright today. Alpha at CF was pretty good today, also cause we had a special guest to speak; James' youth pastor I think. Amos, Eunice, Eng Hoe and me went for lunch at KFC in Sentral after CF before; been quite long since I ate there. Had a good time; Eunice was laughing at nearly every single thing; I used to be like that too but I kinda lost it somewhere along the way. Haha. And Amos kept annoying us by starting to say something but never really finishing it.
And as always, I haven't really studied though trials are next week. I'll start tonight, hopefully. With all the things that are taking place, it's really hard. I've got to stay focused. I have a cold now and it seems to be getting worse; hopefully it'll be gone soon.
Your love is enough.
2 comments:
There are always times in our lives in which there are decisions we have to make which transcend more between whether it is right or wrong but rather between we want what is technically better or to feel better. We live on hope and more often than not, false hope is what we cling onto desperately.
What happened between me and Angeline was sometimes considered to be the most stupid thing that happened in the planet. I told stories of false hope to myself and even when it was so obviously over, I convinced myself otherwise. Even now when everything is so over, demolished between us, I still allow myself to dwell into her smile. Her utter undeniable beauty in which more than most, I saw prominently in her. To hurt myself internally for some reason unexplained, but just to see her. I think you know how this feels. Personally, for you to refrain from ever exposing yourself to this person is impossible, on the short term to say the least.
Thus, what I guess you should accept now in which your road now to recovery to begin is to accept that this will not work out, there is no chance for it to happen now, and I guess, let God take control. You might throw yourself into all sorts destructive patterns and cycles in which people including yourself will see the darker side of you, or perhaps, the more human, but do it to recover. Don't be foolish and tell yourself otherwise. Don't pretend everything is okay cause it's not. Cry your heart out then tell yourself to move on afterwards. Don't be a hypocrite.
There are many lessons I learned from all my experiences with love. The greatest one perhaps is knowing that despite what happened, you had the capacity in you to love someone so greatly and care for them so much and take heart that you will do it for someone more important in your life and someone with much more significance and I'm not talking about God here (not to say I don't love God). Love is a really personal experience and what happens in between is so foolishly unexplainable.
No one could have perhaps felt it's power as personally and as deeply as you for it was your own personal experience that why I don't give a fuck what Phil or Shas tells me about Angeline, cause they didn't go through the exact same thing. I bet you get what I mean.
Love,
Jeremy "KC T3h n00bKilleR" Tan
hey, thanks so much for painstakingly typing all this..
really appreciate it.
and yeah no matter what happens, I know He's always there and it's more than enough for me. =). hope you remember that too...
there can only be so much joy that comes from the ones we love; but there's always a limit to how much joy they bring; after all humans will fail and that's why it will always bring us back to His love - that never fails and never will disappoint.
take care too!
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